Monday, August 24, 2009

From a Galaxy Far Far Away.....

OK, I don't have much time..... Aliens have abducted me and I am in their ship. They consider me a perfect human specimen. I don't know what they are planning, but they feed me well. Very well, I am putting on weight like crazy!!! Which is weird, because we are in outer space. I should be weightless!!

Let June know I am in the 4th quadrant of the something or another galaxy. Tell her I have my Genuine Star Trek Communicator but I think the batteries are low, it doesn't work at all. She can find me that way I hope. And have her call NASA, Buck Rogers, and Luke Skywalker and come get me.

Don't get me wrong, they seem very nice to me. I think we are close to our destination, they keep talking how I am the guest of honor at the Captains feast. I ask what we are having and they just laugh. I bet I won't like it!!

Well, I hope that sheds some light on where I have been. I have to go now I think I hear Shleplar coming.

Bye! Get June!!

Your Cousin,

P.S. Or I have just been "summer" busy. Be back in full swing soon.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Bean Spilling

In the light of previous comments I have decided to spill all the beans.......just to get it all in the open. Cousin Steve style of course.

I have never made out with a manatee.

One of my legs is shorter than the other.

I wear contacts, and not the colored ones. Blind as a bat without them.

I like Pina Colada's and getting caught in the rain.

I enjoyed testing the "cat's always land on their feet" theory with our cat Louie, as a kid. Poor Louie. That's why he would come and bite me on my head in the middle of the night.

I think that stop signs with white borders are optional.

When I was 14, I told my mom that I broke my arm when I accidentally fell of my bike. When I really broke it doing something stupid on my bike.

I rode and elephant once, bare back.

One time when my parents were out of town and I was 20. They called to check in on me. I told them I was having a kegger party in their house. Mom laughed so hard she couldn't talk and handed the phone to my dad. I told him also. He didn't believe me either. They both were laughing now. Then dad said in a joking voice "Well, have a good time at your KEGGER". I said "I will" and hung up the phone and finished tapping the keg. We went through two kegs that night. A couple years ago I was talking with my parents, and since I was now married with two kids and a mortgage, I came clean on quite a few things. I figured, what, are they going to ground me?? I said "Remember when you guys were in New Orleans and I said I was having a kegger party in your house.....". The truth will set you free.

I once swam in Lake Michigan in downtown Chicago in a tux. Pissed of the limo driver.

I participated in senior ditch day on my sophomore, junior and senior years. I couldn't help it. You cannot watch a movie like Ferris Bueller's Day Off and not want to reenact it. I live just outside of Chicago for crying out loud. All we needed was a Ferrari.

I didn't start smoking until I was 20. I have been smoke free for two years now. Quiting IS one of great accomplishments.

I almost got in trouble by park rangers as a teenager one night. We had a huge bonfire at the beach. There was over a hundred from my high school. The southern sandy shores of Lake Michigan are awesome for bonfires. Park rangers came running out from all directions. We scattered like cockroaches. I guess I just ran faster than most. Due to fear, I bet I could have set some Olympic records for sprinting across sand that night.

I have never been in a hot air balloon. But want to.

June is not in outer space......... yet.

I believe, "You've got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything."

Till next time....... live. I do.

Your Cousin,

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Still Fishing

I am way too loaded to write this, but i will try anyway. OK, I can't.

We just just got off the lake. Spent most of the day in a place they call "party cove". Way too much alchohol and swimming and fun. Little Steven is just getting used to this. I need some food badley. I could eat the north end of a south bound mule.

Think about it.

Talk at you all later.

Your Cousin,

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Gone Fishin'

Unfortunately for the blogging world, my quick return is contended with a quick leave of absence. So, both of you will have to find something to do. Just kidding. I know that's you mom.

I am throwing my lovely wife, the kids, and myself into the truck and heading to central Missouri for a long weekend and much needed break. I have had enough of reality this past seven months, and I am high tailing it out of town. One of my freinds offered us to come down to his lake house in the Ozarks. How, in the name of everything holy, could I turn that down?

As crazy as it sounds, I will be in the middle of nowhere and still have internet. I just might check in. I just might check in ....... tipsey.

Is it masculine to say tipsey?

How about buzzed.

How about buzzed blogging? I like it! That could be fun!! It might be more funfor me than you.

I can see it now.....

Title : I love you man

Blog: I love you man. No..... i don't think you know what I mean...... I reeeaaally love you man. Remeber when you pulled me out of that burning building??? Me neither. But... I love you man. We've been like freinds like forever, man. I would take a bullet for you man...... Hey...... don't get shot or anything.... because I really don't want to take a bullet...... you know...... don't leave me man... (start crying for no reason) ..... I gotta go.....

I love you man.

(Yes, I have drunk dialed)

It used to be a common New Years thing for me. After the countdown, after champagne, after all the hugs and kisses, I would head outside and call everybody who wasn't at the party. I would start with Mom and Dad, then freinds, family, ex-girlfreinds, enemies, my mailman, my first grade teacher, as a matter of fact I wouldn't finish up until noon on New Years Day and I would be stone cold sober. And confused.

But enough of that, I headed out of town. Won't be back until next Tuesday.

Waahoooo! (With fist pump into the air) Then they freeze frame me mid-air, fist up high, and with a smile on my face. Just like they would do at the end of every 80's TV show.

Gosh, how times were simple when Ponch and John patrolled the highways..... (for all you young-ins, they were on CHiPs. The greatest cop show for a kid in the 80's.)

I was always John.

The highways were never so safe...

Hopefully my reverence for the highway patrol as a kid cuts me some slack on my travels this trip.

Take care all.

Cousin Steve

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Diapers, Beer, Handstands, and a Skirt

I was going to do a blog on how to change a diaper while drinking a beer, doing a handstand, and wearing a skirt. But, I realized what a cool video that would be. I could be the next YouTube sensation. Millions of people would be impressed by my amazing talents. I would be rich.

Then FlyNavy pointed out that I was male, and real men don't wear skirts. I was going to change the skirt to an apron. Like the ones that guys grill in or chefs wear. But, I don't have one. As a matter of fact. I have never seen a guy grilling in one in real life, not in a restaurant, and not on TV.

MaeMae suggested I wear a kilt. It would be fitting to my Irish/Scottish heritage. I have a right to wear a kilt, I thought. And I would, if I had one. It seems as the only thing I actually had was one of my wife's skirts. What if she saw me?.... awkward!

Then it occurred to me, if I was doing all those things, how was I going to hold the camera? I don't have a tripod. I really think I do, it just got lost in the move 2 years ago. You can't lay the camera on the floor an catch something so "spectacular" as that. And that whole books on a table thing only works for family photos.

I really had to start looking at all the other variables...

1. The only diaper wearing child I have is my almost 2 year old that would only sit still for me if I hit him with an elephant tranquilizer.

2. I could actually spill the beer. Nuff said.

3. A handstand...... maybe if a crane had me by the ankles. (If you believe my body really looks like the pictures to the right, I have two words for you...... photo shop)

4. I am not buying an apron or kilt just to do a video. These are rough economic times people. I can only afford a thong. Kind of an awkward place to put "Kiss the Cook".

So really, I cannot deliver the "awesome feat" that I wanted to, at this present time. Maybe I will start a diaper, beer, handstand, apron training regiment soon. Don't be too surprised when that picture shows up on the blog.

A man can dream, can't he?

Your Cousin,


P.S. Didn't think I would actually do a blog about that stuff, did you. Well, me neither. Oh, always making me mother proud.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Heartfelt Thanks

Hey Y'all!! Thanks so much for all the kind words. It was really heartfelt to my family and I. You may not know it, because they don't always comment, but my family are frequent Cousin Steve readers. My mom loved to go on to check out the nice comments.

We had the wake for Katie on Friday and the funeral on Saturday. It was great to see all the people come out of hiding. Sad that it takes an event like this to see everyone, but still great. It's almost better than a family reunion, because you get all sides of the families AND you get your friends. I swear at one time, it was like the front door was an exit to a people factory. Just a never ending line of people.

There were many things, this weekend, that made "happy" triumph over "grief". I convinced my cousin Beth (Aunt Barbara's daughter) to do the first reading at Kate's funeral mass. She was very nervous, however, I knew who her mom was, and also the kind of person Beth is. She did very well. Aunt Barbara did the second reading, showing what a true veteran of the pulpit she is. My mom's cousin Noreen sang solo's during the mass. Noreen comes from a family of very gifted singers. Her gift, and I do mean gift, is from heaven above. Noreen sang an Ave Maria that made you close your eyes, sit still and take it all in. It would bring you to tears at a birthday party.

There was just so much going on, between aunts and uncles and cousins and friends, it's hard to tell all. You and I don't have the time!

I almost forgot!!

My cousin from Nebraska came in. She is a fireball full of laughter. She has these four wonderful kids, to which I can't get enough of. The youngest one of them is my God-daughter. She is two and is so sweet, the American Dental Association put a warning on her that she "may cause cavities". I was very happy to see my cousin and clan.

(now that's were I should of ended, but I am so full of crap, I just keep going......)

I was surprised to see her because, she is doing some super secret stuff with NASA. I would tell you her name (June), but I am afraid that some G-men might come and break down my door. I promised (June) that I wouldn't say a word about the visit so as not to compromise (June's) mission. Most of you are not aware that she (June) is a martial arts expert, and a yoga goddess. She (June) knows how to kill someone 1,736 ways with a ball point pen.

So from me, you will get nothing..... (about June).

To go back to where I started, all jokes aside. Thanks for the kind words. It meant allot to me that so many people took the time to write something and hit send. I know that loosing our loved ones is a part of life. But it's a rough part. And every little bit and kind word helps. Kate is with Dad now, and if I know them. They are shaking up the place. I can only hope that they don't burn heaven down before I get there. I'm sure they have a fire department..... right??

My Dad and Sister

I'll bet they are walking around like that right now. The big proud father taking care of his baby girl. I will forever miss them, and never forget them.

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May all the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

Your Cousin,
Next Blog: How to change a diaper while doing a hand stand, drinking a beer, and wearing a skirt. I can do it and you can too.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

An Early Goodbye

With a heavy heart I give you news. Today, July 14, 2009 at 1:30 PM my little sister Katie passed away at the age of 35. After a long and arduous battle, MS had done too much damage this time. I love my sister and will miss her very much. We are very thankful for all the thoughts and prayers that everyone has given throughout her fight. She is at peace and is looking down upon us now.

There's always room for another angel I guess.

Your Cousin,

Friday, July 10, 2009

Roller Skating Water Babies

Here's a great Friday pick-me-up.

I love this commercial.

My kids didn't do any of this!!

Your Cousin,


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

A Monday What???

It has become aware to me that there was a significant jump on my visit meter this past Monday.

.... seems odd....

.... I wonder what could of done that?....

.... I mean....

.... why Monday?....

.... it's like.... ahhh....

.... it's like those visitors expected to see something....

.... but what....

.... what in the world would so many people want???....

.... so many....

.... WAIT!!!

Wait one cotton picken second!

Don't you girls think for one sliver of time, that I would stoop so low as to....... to.....

I'm shocked.

I want to make perfectly clear that I am as straight as a lazer.

I am so straight, that they use me to lay out runways.

I am so straight, that I can line a football field without string.

I am so..... so..... sorry for what I am about to do..


Ladies, I present to you, in full color....


That's right ladies!! He's almost two. Take it all in.

I give in to women so easily....

shamefull.... just shamefull....

Believe it or not, it was the first picture of way too many. He's a chip off the old block.

Anything I can do to please.

With Love,

Cousin Steve and Cousin Steve Jr.

Friday, July 3, 2009

June and the Incredible Spinning Thing

Any of you that read my reasons for June not to blog, KNOW that June is at NASA. I talked to her again last night on the super secret special underground IASFOS network. (By the way IASFOS stands for "I am so full of ...."). She had just got done doing that centrifuge thing that spins you around to see how man G-forces you can handle. She threw up all over it. It then started to short circuit and eventually caught fire. June got out safely. But the whole building burned to the ground. No one was lost. The only injury was a fireman that tripped while getting off the truck. He's out of surgery now and is expected to make a full recovery. He was the station chef, so he is sorely missed.

Did you hear about it on the news??? Nope. That's how super special secret her mission is.

But you get my drift, June is still OK. Packing boxes and kissing kids. Life is good.

As for my little sister, she is still fighting for her life. They started a new treatment yesterday.

Keep hope alive.

Your cousin,

Saturday, June 27, 2009


OK, I am jumping in to make an update.

June = OK

Katie = Not so OK

I have two reasons why June is AWOL. One is true the other is not, I will let you decide.

Reason 1.

June is at NASA. She was invited there to do some top secret blogging swoon thing from space. Totally designed to get middle eastern women to start showing more ankle. In return, that is expected to drive the middle eastern men crazy. Therefore, making them lovers and not fighters. Ending all fighting.
She has been training hard and it is taking a toll on her. One day, after a severe day of training, she logged on to blog (she loves you guys) and accidentally hit the wrong button. I am still not sure why Blogger put the "lock out blog" button next to the "post blog" button. Kind of seems stupid to me.

How I know this is, I called a favor in to some CIA buddies of mine and they set up a direct link through the super secret IASFOC network. I am sure that most of you have never heard of that network..... there is a reason for that. It's super secret. But she sounds good, and she is learning how to use the super powers they implanted in her.

Oh, crap.

I wasn't supposed to say anything about her super powers. NASA is going to be pissed. Oh, well. It's not like I can erase everything I say......

I will say that, very soon, she will be able to type 3700 words a minute. Currently she is 2900.

Amazing, just amazing.

Or..... reason 2

She is moving, and she has 4 kids (some in sports), and it's summer. So pretty much, she is busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. She is on a much needed blog break. Every other time she tried to take a break, she felt guilty.
She is picking out paint colors, packing, and enjoying her kids. It's allllll good.

Good luck on picking the real reason...........

As for my sister Katie, she still needs prayers. She is still in the hospital (since May 31st). She is not doing well right now, but they say the prognosis is good. It's hard to believe that when things keep happening. She has been on a ventilator and in the intensive care unit since Thursday.

I always thought that going to intensive care was a bad thing...

We keep hope and we pray. And have become very familiar with hospital cafeteria food. Not so good. I must have confidence that the doctors at UIC Hospital know what they are doing.

Well, that's the updates. The good and the bad.

That's all for now. I have to jump in the shower and get back up to the hospital. Never enough time in a day.

Your Cousin


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Ummmmm... June?

It has been brought to my attention REPEATEDLY that my cousin June is "off the air". I can sense the hormones raging in desperate need of a Monday Swoon. Don't look at me, I am a man. And a real man, of course, would not post scantily clad pictures of other men on his blog. I am one of those men.

I am so "real man" ish...

that I channel thoughts from Charles Heston to the NRA regularly.

that I got a paper cut and axle grease came out.

that I once shot myself in the stomach because it growled at me.

that... ahh never mind. You get the picture.

Back to June's blog.

I have no idea what is going on. I have not talked to June in a couple of weeks. I'll bet, she might be doing a hot yoga workout marathon. She's crazy enough to do it. I swear she is. 4 days straight. A World Record attempt, I'm sure. She will be recovering for weeks from a hospital bed. Poor, poor June.

But, seriously. I'm on it.

Cousin Steve OUT!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Pray for Katie

I'm sure you figured that I'm on a break. My sister has fallen ill and she is in the hospital. She has MS and this time it threw her to the ground. She is having a very rough time. She has been in for 10 days now.

Pray for her.

I'll be back soon.

Cousin Steve

Friday, May 29, 2009

What's With the Fridge?

People have an obsession with refrigerators. I don't know why, they just do. Not even when my truck was brand new, did it get it as much attention as it did with a fridge in the bed.

It all started last week when my mom called me to ask "What temperatures is your fridge supposed to be at?" Like I'm some sort of encyclopedia. Well. Most of the time I am. But this time, I didn't know, so I said, "One side should be cold, and one side should be colder."

I mean, that's it's job. It's sole purpose. Freeze and cool the food. Right? Remember that.

Mom didn't find my comment to be as funny as I did. She wanted numbers.

I reached down deep, into my small little mind and pulled out...."Fridge side 35 F to 40 F, and freezer side 0 F or colder." I didn't really know. I used the good 'ol reliable Internet. I love high speed Internet. She never knew.

She does now.

Hi Mom!!


It was apparent that something was wrong with the unit. Finally, Friday had come, and it was falling off it's last legs. Time for "Steve To The Rescue!!!" I picked up a refrigerator and headed to Mom's. She was happy.

Then, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, Memorial Day came.

My wonderful wife, kids and myself, headed off to Mom's/Grandma's house for a cook out. After a wonderful day, I loaded up the broken fridge and headed out. I figure I would take the bad unit to the scrap yard after work on Tuesday. Did you know the scrap yard will PAY you to recycle? If you didn't, check into it. Free money for junk. Me likey.

So, Tuesday I go to work like normal (with the fridge). As soon as I got there, it started. What started you ask? They unstoppable fridge questions. That's what. And every time it went like this...

Them: "Is that a refrigerator in your truck?

Me: "Yup."

Them: "What's up with it?

Me: "It's broken."

And here's the part that gets me.

Them: "What's it doing?"

SERIOUSLY??! The only way I knew to answer that question was...

Me: "It stopped freezing and cooling the food."

For as we all know, THAT'S IT'S JOB!!!!

I must of went through that same scenario about two dozen times. I even had people call me because they drove past my work and saw it in the truck. It was all the same questions. Except as the questions went on, my answers got worse.

I only had it for less than a day. And that was way to long.

Now, I know that new fridges do all sorts of things. But, are you crazy enough to junk a fridge because the night light burnt out? Push it out the door because it stopped crushing ice? Heave it into the yard because the water stopped coming out of the in-door dispenser??

NO!! If you do, stop it! Have you seen the price of new fridges?? Once I had to put a deposit and leave my drivers licence at the counter just to look at one on the showroom floor. When we bought our new fridge a couple years back, the price of my home doubled.

Fridges get junked because they freakin stop working. If the ice maker doesn't work, a fridge has a "problem". It's not junk.

I may seem like I am complaining, but in all truth. Those questions kept me laughing all day.

From the great Muppet creator Jim Henson,

"My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here."

Have a great day.


Friday, May 22, 2009

Up, Up and Away

I would be an absolute liar if I said that, I, a grown man, do not love the computer animated movies. I am just a big kid at heart and I've got to see these things. I enjoy them as much as my kids. For years, we didn't go to the movies because of the wee ones. We thought we would just save the money and the hassle and wait for them to come out on DVD.

Well, guess what. You miss those too.

For us, going to the theater to see a movie is an event. Renting a movie is what we do when there is nothing else to do. Big difference. In the summer there is always something to do. We loose track of allot of movies. I get discouraged at how many movies that I never got to see. I was waiting for them, for crying out loud. And now they are in the "used to be new, but so many new movies came in that we have to move it to the OLD shelf" section.

They keep making movies, and if your not watching them, they get lost in the dust of old movies.
Don't let that happen with these great family movies. Take your kids to the theater. Matinees are cheaper. Buy candy at the store, it's cheaper. And.... theater butter popcorn RULES! It's an adventure, and allot of fun to watch their faces if you can take your own eyes off the screen.

Which brings me to the real reason for this post.

Disney/Pixar's newest movie "Up" is coming out in a week.

"Up" looks great. I'll give you a quick rundown.

It's about a 78 year old balloon salesman, Carl. Carl and his wife, Ellie, always dreamed about going to this wonderful place called "Paradise Falls" in South America. Well... one thing leads to another and time and Ellie pass with the couple never taking that much sought after trip. As a widower, Carl becomes filled with grief and guilt as he misses his wife so much, he shuts out the world. Being forced to go to a old folks home, Carl has the last laugh and unleashes thousands and thousands of balloons that rip his house right off the foundation. The house and his dreams take to the air. Carl regains some satisfaction.As Carl and his house are airborne and flying along, there is a knock at the door. Carl has an accidental stowaway. It's Russell, an 8 year old kid trying to do one good deed to get his last patch to become a full Wilderness Explorer. Carl isn't happy with the situation, but, he's going to Paradise Falls. Kid or no kid. The adventure ensues.

The rest.... you'll just have to see it for yourself. Opens on Friday, May 29, 2009.

And if I know Disney and Pixar (Toy Story, A Bug's Life, Monsters, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Cars, Ratatouille, and WALL-E). "Up" should be a great adventure for all ages. Don't wait for it to come out on DVD. Throw the family in the car, truck, van, train or plane and get to a theater on a Saturday afternoon and treat everybody.

In the words of Walt Disney

"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing."

Have a great day.


Thursday, May 21, 2009

Don't Blink

I love my kids. I wish they would stay little. But, no matter hard I try, they are growing up. The little, cute, and tender babies turn into toddlers then immediately into adults, as far as they are concerned. It seems like one day I was helping Kylie walk and now she wants to be little miss independent. I say, "Tough crap little girl, I enjoy being daddy. And that's what daddies do". I have a funny feeling that she will always be my little girl.

Kids have two types of "growing", growth spurts and mind spurts. Growth spurts kind of suck. It amazes me when you put little Johnny to bed, his jammies fit. Now in the morning he looks like Tom Hanks in Big. It now means that all those outfits you just bought, don't freaking fit anymore.

Now, mind spurts, I like. Mind spurts to me are when they do something today that would of never happened yesterday. I watch it happen to my daughter. Sometimes she just blows me away. Yesterday she was my little girl, today, she is giving me all the "gossip" from her kindergarten class. Why in the heck does kindergarten even have gossip? Why do they need drama? Has this world promoted drama as a part of life? When I went to kindergarten we had story time, play time, nap time, cookie and milk time. All in a half day. I was even so tired from all that, I would go home and take another nap. There was no drama, I didn't even learn how to spell drama until fourth grade. Drama was a word used to describe a play.

Back to the spurts.

My little Steven had a growth spurt mixed with a mind spurt. Yesterday, he was throwing green beans from his highchair, today he sits in a chair alone like a man.

Well... that's if you consider a 21 month old wearing a bib eating a hot dog while wearing a diaper, a man. I knew it was bound to happen. I just wasn't ready for this one. It hit me right between the eyes. He and I were home alone. I was making dinner for us and I said "Time to eat buddy!". He came into the kitchen, climbed into a chair, and gave me the "let's eat" look. I thought, "why not". We tried it, and it worked.

What's next?

"Steven, want to go for a ride?" And he drives???

I told my lovely wife what had happened when she got home. She wasn't pleased. Let's face it. If it was up to her, he would still be sleeping in a bassinet next to the bed with his legs hanging out. She has a TINY thing about letting go.

It's a simple reminder to slow down and take a look around every once in a while. Time stops for no one. Blink and it's gone.

Bill Cosby once said.

"The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now."

Enjoy it while you can. And have a great day.


Monday, May 18, 2009

Let It Be

Well, after a long thought. I have decided that June has put way too much work on the Monday Swoons for me to take it over. I know, I am her cousin. She is on a break, let it be. Corral the hormones ladies.

And being of the male persuasion, I am not sure that I would be too comfortable in my own skin posting pics of lightly clad men on my blog. After all, my dad (god rest his soul), is watching me at all times. Kind of allot of pressure. And believe me, it's not that I worry dad would think I switched to the other side. He would just tease me for doing a picture blog on men.

After all, how do we know that June won't post a Swoon for the girls?? We don't. I can't read minds, can you? What I should do is a swoon for the guys. Yeah, that's it.

Can you say LEAD BALLOON.

And that is how it would go over. My wife would freaking kill me. She might have a slight problem with me not helping her around the house because I was searching for that perfect bosoms in string bikini online.

So for now, the only "swooning" I am going to do is for my lovely wife.

But in case June doesn't, I give you something to hold you over......

A couple of pics I had laying around.....

It's all I can do to keep both sides happy. Don't think of me as an exhibitionist, think of me as sharing what god gave me, to you. It's not easy being me, but someone has to do it.

And now...

Quotes from the late great George Burns.
George lived just past 100 years old.

"I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate."

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."

"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere."

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."

"I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked."

Thanks, and have a great day.


Saturday, May 16, 2009

Don't Touch Anything.....

Today is Saturday. What a beautiful day. Sun shining, birds chirping, flowers blooming, and lawn growing. Just a great day. It is also the day that Kylie plays her soccer games on. Games are in the mornings so you have the rest of the day to yourselves. All is done by noon. Perfect.

Did I mention it rained yesterday?

Not only did it rain, bit it poured.

It rained so much that Kylie even said she doesn't have to water the flowers. It rained so much that I saw two elephants and two zebras and two lions and two monkeys with luggage walking down the street. It rained so much that a couple of guys asked if they could fish off my "pier", I call it my front porch, and no you may not. It rained so much that... well you get the picture. We are not really flooded, don't send the Coast Guard, but thanks.

Back to were I was.

We are getting ready to go the soccer game, Wait! Did I mention that I am the Assistant Coach??! (I put that in caps to show the importance) Yes. "Mr. did not want to get involved with anything he had no idea how to do", got involved. I have a shirt that says "Asst Coach" on the back and everything. Sure I can coach, I played soccer, WHEN I WAS EIGHT. As it turns out, Mr Football knows all there is to teach a five year old how to play soccer. Those rules are,

1. Kick the ball with only your foot.

2. Do not use your hands.

3. Do not let the other team score in your goal.

4. Do not hit other kids.

5. No crying.

It's actually very simple, and I am "involved" with my kid. How much better could it be? One more notch toward "father of the year". Did you know, as a coach you feel just fine about yelling at your kid across the field more than any other kid? One notch back down.

So..... back to the story.

Getting Kylie ready for the game and it rained last night...

I had enough foresight that it "might" be muddy at the field, and to be prepared. It turns out it was, to the likes of which I have never seen before. What those kids did to that field and the field did to those kids, I was not prepared. Everybody had mud on them. The coaches, the parents, the grandparents, everybody. When the game started, it was the black team against the red team. At the end it was the brown team against the brown team, the brown team won. I wasn't sure which team had the ball or who scored the goal. It didn't matter, it was more fun that anybody thought you could have on a Saturday morning.

Lots of laughs were had and it was all fun and games right up until we realized the kids had to get home. That is when I told Kylie she was going to have to walk home, just kidding. I had to somehow get her in my truck. My nice clean wonderful but still love my daughter very much truck. Luckily I had enough foresight.... OK, my wonderful wife told me to bring a towel "in case Kylie got a little dirty". Thank God for my wonderful wife.

I draped the towel over the back seat, picked my little angel up and gently placed her on the towel. I buckled her in. And in a soft and stern fatherly voice I said "Don't touch anything." My first thought was to hose her off in the yard, but I believe she deserves more respect than my lawn mower. We contained the mess to near the back door and had her clean and new car looking in no time at all. And since it is Saturday, I stayed in the same clothes and mowed the lawn. Why clean up to get dirty all over again?

It's Saturday's like this that make the work week so long. What a muddy golden opportunity it was today.

I am blessed.

Quotes from the late Milton Berle

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."

"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."

"I live to laugh, and I laugh to live."

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

"He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front."

"Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is."

"What is this, an audience or an oil painting?"

Have a great day!


Thursday, May 14, 2009

Excuses, excuses,excuses...

Ok, I guess I have some splainin' to do.

"Where the heck have you been??!" and "Are you coming back??!" and "Did you die??!" and "Want to loose weight quickly and keep it off??!" seem to be the questions I get most.

First off, I feel better. Not all done with the medical malarkey, but according to the way I feel, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope it's not a train.

Second, spring is here! Thank God! With the beautiful weather comes yard work and chores that have been waiting all winter to be done. I love working around the house. I am that guy who walks his lawn everyday to hunt down any rouge weeds that think they can grow in my yard. It's a grave battle and many will die. I will not stand down or give in, I will be victorious!! (Gimme a break. It's my dad's fault. He drilled into my head the finer knowledge and diligence needed to keep a great lawn. That, is a blog for a different day, bless his soul.)

Third, is kids on the loose. I can't get enough of watching my children play outside. Kylie, almost six, and Steven, almost two, run around like a couple of nut balls. Steven is exploring everything he can and Kylie wants to direct him to do what she wants, with usual failure. He would rather go get a ball, pick it up, climb to the top of the stairs on the front porch, throw the ball down the stairs, then, go down the stairs, get the ball and repeat. It amazes me how many times he will actually do this. Every once in a while he will take the ball into the yard a kick around for about ten seconds, then back to the stairs! Kylie, however, always wants to water the gardens, I am the only one who could get lily pads and cat tails to grow in a regular garden thanks to her.

Forth is..... summer is here. Time to shed the multi layers, get out and do stuff. Preferably fun stuff, but none the less. I am so glad that summer is here that I have to sit on both hands to keep from waving at everybody! My smile would have to be surgically removed from my face!

So, I guess my point is... sorry for not posting, I am doing much better, and thanks for the patience.

Now to other business...

I believe smiles and laughter are as important as air. And because I really do believe that, I would like to start adding some funny quotes and sayings at the end of each blog. A smile makes everyday better. Tell me what you think...

From Rodney Dangerfield...

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get."

"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me."

"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."

"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning."

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too."

"The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it."

"I tell ya, I get no respect."

Have a great day!

Your Cousin Steve

Friday, April 17, 2009

That's Not All.....

Patience is a virtue. I have none, but I am told that every time I freak out. The patience that some people have shown that still come and check me out everyday is amazing. I am humbled.

I have been gone for a while on medical leave. They (the medical staff of Northwest Indiana) have no idea what is wrong with me. A couple of things are obvious, I guess 2 and 2 are equaling 19 right now. So for now, they would like to sit and wait for a while to see what else happens. Maybe I will grow another head or something. Maybe if I turn into a hermaphrodite with two arms growing out of my ass and a set of udders they will do something!

That does not make me happy.

I understand that sometimes things don't happen easily. I also understand that the human body is a complex machine. I also understand the medical industry still does not know everything about us. Just like in most jobs, there are variables.

The only thing that I know is, I feel like crap 95% of the time. I go to work, and be a dad, and be a husband, and do my chores, and I suck it up because it's what I am. Most people do.

So for now, I will practice "patience". I did say practice.

I would also like to start blogging again. I miss it. I believe that humor can help me. I believe that humor can help all.

I am taking the family to my mothers for the weekend. She doesn't live that far away, she just wanted some weekend company. It will be a good time. I need to pack to go.

So as for now, thanks for the patience. I will reward that patience with ME!! What more could one want????

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Be Right Back

Sorry all. Taking a medical leave. Been feeling like crap. Still didn't recover from "the mysterious sickness" yet. Doc is pretty sure he can remove my head from my ass. But seriously, getting closer to a prognosis. I'll be back soon. I miss my blog.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Buisiness Time

I came across this gem. It's a rare look into the male psyche. To all the women out there, this just might be too much for you. You might want to put on a helmet and some protective gear or something.

Told you.

16 years ago today, I met my wife. She was a cute, quiet, shy girl. Who at the time must have been blind, deaf, and with a head injury to stick with a boy like me. Some mutual friends of ours suckered her, I mean, set us up.

I stole a kiss, she stole my heart. The rest is history.

Thanks for putting up with my crap. If most of you only knew..... what an angel I am. Ha ha.

Happy Anniversary!
Love, Steve

It's Business Time.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

It's Gonna Be OK

HEY ALL!!! I'm back!!!

Did you notice I was gone?

Did you miss me?

Remember what happened to Rick Moranis in Ghostbusters?? You know, after the "dog" attacked him in the park? That's what happened to me! I swear. I was all like...

OK. That didn't really happen, I don't even know what he said.

Here's what happened, I swear on my poor teddy bear, Mr. Fluffy, and his missing eyes.

Walking my neighbors bear last night through the Appalachian Mountains I was attacked by a bear. I wasn't sure where he came from. He chased me and pushed me to the ground and started tickling me. I couldn't get away! It was pure torture. Then he got out his Blackberry, which wasn't a berry at all, and proceeded to Rick-roll me. When he started playing Warcraft, I ran. I hate that bear. After about another hour, I found my neighbors bear and we headed for home.

I'm lucky to be alive.

Not buying that one either?

Here's what really happened....

After June went home from a glorious weekend at my house, I realized what a good time she has at all times (not including the husband being gone thing). She is so many good things to so many people that it made me envious of her. I thought, "What would it be like if I was her?" So I flew to Korea and got a sex change. After meeting Dr. Jeong-Hwan Kim Kwang Yul Cha Smith, I felt very comfortable. He said the procedure would be short, and healing would be quick.

Under the knife I went.

Two hours later I was homeward bound. I arrived to very mixed emotions from all. Except Aunt Barbara, she loves me for who I am. Apparently, and I do mean apparently, I mixed up a picture of June with Kathy Bates and gave the wrong pic to the doc. I must of had too many of those small bottles of Jameson Irish Wiskey on the flight over. All weekend I did scenes from Misery in a Jacuzzi. It was very disturbing. Then I read June's PMS blog and realized that I forgot about that part. Not wanting to look like Kathy any longer and afraid that cramps were around the bend, I knew I had to change back. When my wife stopped crying and the tranquilizers kicked in, I snuck into the house, grabbed my piggy bank and headed back to Korea.

Not to make the same mistake twice, I found a different doctor, Dr, Harvey Finkelsteinowitzski. He was also from America, had to leave because they didn't let you smoke during surgery there. Said he "preferred" to work in Korea. He did ask some weird questions though. Stuff like, "Did anyone follow you here?" and "Are you politically connected?" and "You were good looking before this?". I told him "No. No. Yes, well kind of." I said, "Never mind the questions Doc, return me to my beautiful self!"

Into surgery I went.

Hours passed by.......

Then days.......

Then weeks........

I was still in surgery.

Finally after 63 days 11 hours and 22 minutes, I arrived. Was it me? You bet! I was back! I paid the doc and came home. I had very little money left so I had to stow away on a freighter with a bunch of illegal Koreans trying to get into the U.S. Not pretty.

I got home about an hour ago. I had to say "hi" to my lovely wife and beautiful kids then I came straight to you guys. I figured, my adoring public couldn't wait. Right?!

Now, it being St Patty's Day and all. And me being of the Irish sort. Telling a small fib of a tale might not be out of the question. After all, I got it from the best (my dad).

As far as those of you who don't believe that story. You don't want to know the truth. It involves things that just are not to be mentioned here. All I can say is.... my REAL doctor says I should be fine soon.

In the meantime....

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind always be at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

and rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

God bless you all for being patient. Thanks.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I Want A Refund

Last fall, my kids, my lovely wife and myself received the flu shot at our doctor. Our pediatrician shares the same office as our family doctor. We all go the same office to be seen, very convenient. Anyways, at one of my sons check-ups, we took the whole family. It was a great opportunity to get the flu shot. I have always been a advocate of the flu shot. I am up for anything that keeps me safe from fever, puking, cleaning up kids puke, and just that helpless feeling when your kid is very ill.

This season, my daughter has gotten the flu twice, my lovely wife once, and myself once. Right now I am knocking on every piece of wood in the house as I tell you that Steven hasn't had it yet. Seriously, I don't need a sick baby. I had better not get a sick baby. Talk about being helpless, as they look up at you with those little eyes, and a whimper just as they throw up all over you, the chair, the carpet, everything. I have enough formula stained clothes, thank you.

I was nestled into bed on Monday night, dreaming of the wonderful weekend I just had. At about 1 am, I awoke to my wife, sorry, lovely wife screaming my name. Normally I would not complain about such a thing. This was not one of those nights. It came to my groggy attention that my daughter had awoke with a queasy stomach and felt the need to expel dinner all over her bed, all her bed clothes (my wife likes to call it that), and herself. We had a mess. Did I mention that it was 1 am?

I threw a surprisingly upbeat Kylie in the shower and began to hose her off. In a short time I had her clean, dry, and as good as new. As long as "good as new" doesn't include styling her hair. Christina can do her hair, without even thinking about it. She could probably do Kylie's hair while in a deep sleep with one hand that's been crushed by a garbage truck. But I cannot, repeat, cannot do long little girl hair. I try, lots of times. To no avail. She will look like Punky Brewster meets Lisa Simpson meets Lambchop. It's not good.

After we used every available towel to cover the couch and a 10 foot radius of carpeting, we threw a sheet and a comforter on and set her up for the night. Christina decided that she would take the next day off and take care of the kids. I was allowed to go to bed. A couple hours later, I awoke to a still awake kid and an unslept wife. Not good. Christina expressed (told) me her concerns about taking care of a sick little girl and a rambunctious 19 month old well slept boy when she'd been up all night. I, like any good husband, decided (was told) to take the morning off.

Kylie spent the rest of the day cleaning out her belly. I felt horrible. No, really I felt horrible. Some people get sympathy pains, I get the flu. I spent the next three day days in the recliner with an empty stomach and a fever. On the brighter side I have lost 10 pounds. Which is amazing if you have seen my pictures (wink wink).

Tonight, while shivering from yet another wonderful fever spout, or whatever you call it, I turned to Christina and asked her in a sarcastic voice, "Hey, didn't we get flu shots this year?" She turned to me with a straight face and said, "Didn't you hear? They got it wrong. They used the wrong strains."


I love her.

And I want my money back.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


Today I am home taking care of sick wee ones and I was fumbling around on the net. I was trying to watch a video, which you cannot do without advertising nowadays. How come crap has to pop up on the screen?? Can't I just watch the darn video without getting hassled. Anyways, I came across the high quality long trailer for Watchmen.

I am not a big movie goer. However, I am ready to go see this one. Looks good. Seems like one of those movies that is just better in a theater. And did I mention that maybe a beautiful woman is in it? That is not the reason to go the film, but it helps.

This is the Silk Spectre otherwise known in the movie as Laurie Juspeczyk. Played by the gorgeous Malin Akerman.

Malin is a good looking brunette, but she is a great looking blonde.

For you girls, did I mention that Denny Duquette is in the movie? Well not Denny, but Jeffrey Dean Morgan, the guy who played Denny is. And a couple other whatever guys.

If you have seen it, let me know what you think. Inquiring minds want to know

Monday, March 9, 2009

Like Rockstars....

My big weekend is over. The party is done. June went home to her kids, and I miss her already. The time spent with her and my family was great and memorable, but, it's over.

Friday night, June and I partied like rock stars. That is assuming that the rock stars are mid thirties and married (faithfully) with kids. We were with our friend Steffie and my polack buddy and some other mixed friends. I honestly can't remember the last time that I drank as much beer in one evening. It was just one of those nights when they just taste right. June and I couldn't help it, the Irish in us took hold and wasn't letting up. We would have drank them dry if we had the time.

I am sure that most of you read June's blog, "What I Did On My Mental Stabilization Weekend, By June Cleaver... ". If not, do so now. I will wait.

And we're back!

Like June said, I picked her up from the airport in my truck and we went straight to the pub. It was like we were royalty. We got a table, filled it with beer and food, fit for a king. When we were done stuffing ourselves, it was time to party.

A great thing about a local bar is the mix of people there. It's mainly young people with a mix of "adults". You cannot get so many young men together with alchohol and not expect something to happen. Every liquored young man thinks he can pick up any woman, all he has to do is ask. Their only restriction is their courage.

We enjoyed making fun of the young fellas in the bar that were oogleing June. You could see it in their eyes, they were all like "Howyoudoin'?" and she was like, "I will eat you, boy." They have no idea.

After a while, Stefie went home and June, the polock, and myself went across the street to another bar. One the way in we ran into a youngster outside, he was drunk, and his young mom was telling him to go home in her chicago itallian accent. That struck me as funny. It went something like this...

Tony's Ma - "Go home Tony. Your drunk. Your acting stupid and it's time to go."

Tony - "Awe Ma!"

Tony's Ma - "Don't awe mom me, go home!"

Tony - "But Ma, he started it!"

Tony' Ma - "I don't care! Your drunk. Go home!"

You get the idea. It keeps going on and on and on. So being the quiet people we are, June and I start in with our own "Tony go home!" We just keep repeating it until he started for the parking lot. Mission accomplished, we went in and ordered beers to ail our parched throats.

After an hour it was closing time and we headed for the door. As we get to the door, we see the bouncer holding everybody back. "Don't go outside, it's not safe, he's going crazy" he says. So we look, and guess who.... yup, Tony. He's jumping around like a monkey with his shirt off, pounding on the window, acting crazy. I look at June, she looks at me, and we pushed the "bouncer" aside and went out to kick Tony's ass.

We get outside and June and I start in with "What the heck is the matter with you Tony? Didn't your mother tell you to go home? Go home Tony." I start pushing Tony back towards the parking lot, while he keeps running his mouth to some guys over my shoulder. He wouldn't stop. So I let him go, and those guys went after him. We left him to find out if his body can cash the checks his mouth writes.

I guess that's the difference between being a drunk youngster and an adult that's been drinking. Experience tells us that, "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, and know when to run". Experience, and Kenny.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Weekend Update

I know I have not posted in a couple days. So I figured I should pop in to give an update. It was a big week and weekend for me.

I have a close family. We enjoy spending birthdays and holidays and whatevers together. I am blessed to have such a loving family. Today is my birthday. My birthday, my turn to have everyone over. An impossible task to do without my lovely wife. It was special party because my cousin June Cleaver was in town. Everyone was looking forward to seeing her again. She flew in Friday night. I picked her up from the airport and we went straight to our local pub and hangout.

It's been a long time since I had a night on the town. We drank and drank and drank, and we laughed and laughed and laughed. Staying up past my bedtime is not usually a practice I do. However, last night it was a necessity. I am usually too worn out from working all day to stay up. I paid for it this morning though. It seemed as if I had just gone to bed when I hear my cousin mocking me from the living room. It turns out it was already morning.

Taking all day to recover, when it was time for the party, I was ready. We had a great party, good food and lots of laughs. What else do you need? I am going to save some of these laughs for a rainy day. It's just too much for one day.

Everyone is in bed, and all is quiet, for now. But I'm pretty sure that won't last long, my kids are early risers . Goodie. Bring it on, it's what I live for.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The two types of viruses

I like to think that I roll with the punches pretty good. I believe that things happen for a reason. We may not like what happened or when it happened. But it's all part of a great plan. Take for instance, my old computer picked up a bad virus on Monday, got a new laptop today. Tuesday I was lucky to help out at Bingo, which meant, I was lucky to help out at Bingo. Today my wife picked up her own virus, I got to take the day off and spend it with my 19 month old son.

I always thought that if you had an anti-virus program installed, that you were safe from....... maybe....... a virus. Isn't that the point? It turns out that my computer and my wife both have the same anti-virus programs. She's doing better and the computer, well who gives a crap about the computer. I just hope I can get all those pictures off of it. It will all work out.

It's amazing how upside down my world gets when I can't get online. I felt like a crack addict without the crack. I only used to feel that way when I forgot my wallet somewhere. Now I feel like I have so many necessities. Internet, cell phone, bank card, internet, helium, internet, hockey skates, internet, air, and internet. I like the internet. Banking, shopping, visiting, entertainment, and education. It amazes me that someone would want to live without the internet in today's age. My how far we have come in such a short time.

I must go now, for as much as I need to be online, my wife and kids need me more. See you tomorrow, internet.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

What If Jesus Had A Nail Gun?

Being a carpenter, sometimes I wonder if Jesus looks down upon us and see all the tools that he never had and gets kind of ticked off. I mean, we have power drills, saws, scissors, and everything else under the sun to do a job right. And not to mention all the hand tools. I have hand tools that make other hand tools better. If you don't have the right tool for a job, there probably is one, you just don't know it. They will make one. I have never come across a job that they did not make a tool for. I may not have that tool and it ticks me off, but they make it.

Seriously in Jesus's time, they whittled holes through wood. Do know how much work that was. Three other guys and myself (back in our early twenties) stick built a 2400 square foot home with an attached garage in less that 3 regular work days. That's less than 24 hours off work. Jesus may have only whittled (drilled) 24 holes in that amount of time. I bet he is in awe of where we technologically are.

Just to think how far we have come in just my short lifetime amazes me. I'm sure that because God is all knowing and Jesus is his son, they kind of knew we would be here. But, we did it. I am still a few years away from forty and when I was a child, I had to get up to change the channel. A computer was something that took up a room. Base model cars had no frills, not even a passenger side rear view mirror.

The vehicle I learned to drive in was a 1987 Chevrolet s-10 pickup truck. All of it's features were, 2.5 liter 4 cylinder engine, 4 speed manual transmission, vacuum assisted brakes, heater, AM radio, steel rally wheels, painted rear step bumper, and sunshine stripes (on the exterior). Trucks then didn't come with rear bumpers, it was an option. That truck was also under $7,000 brand new.

Back to what I was saying. I still like to think, in my funny little mind, that every time a new, better, bigger, and shinier tool is made, Jesus let's out a "Come on!! I could of used that too!". It cracks me up to think that he was diligently watching the day somebody made the first nail gun. I'll bet my grandfather even says "I could have used that" a couple time from heaven. Come to think of it, imagine all the people in heaven watching us grow. The transformation has got to be amazing. We went to the moon for crying out loud. Very cool. I know that we make them proud.

So, if you are ever working around me and I pull the trigger and shoot a 16 penny nail into a pine board and you see me grin. You will know what I am thinking.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Win A Weekend With June

I did some deep down and dirty house cleaning today. I had to. I have the one and only June staying at my house next weekend. Do you have any idea what kind of pressure that is. I read her blog. She cleans her house every day, sometimes twice a day. Of course that's because my sweet little cousins tear apart her house like it's a Chuck E Cheese. But, she does it.

Sometimes I tend to look to far into things or expect too much out of situations. I thought that when I entered the "Win A Weekend With June" sweepstakes that I was going somewhere, not June coming here. I never did see the results or come to think of it, I never saw a blog about it. She sent me an e-mail, I entered. Then she e-mailed me again later to say that I had won. As I read it, I was fist pumping and screaming out a couple "Woo Hooos".

Anyways, I am really looking forward to her coming back to her old stomping grounds. I made sure not to fill the weekend with too many activities. Who am I kidding? I have everything planned down to the minute. It goes something like this...

8PM - 9PM pick up from airport
9PM-12AM drink alcohol

12AM - 2AM drink more, reminisce and joke telling, possibly vomit
2AM - 7 AM sleep
7AM - 8AM clean up mess from night before
8AM - 10AM try to get mysterious stain out of living room carpet
10AM - 11AM buy more alcohol
11AM - 2PM drink a liquid lunch
2PM - 4PM take a nap
4PM - 10PM enjoy family party (drink)
10PM - 12AM drink more, reminisce and joke telling, possibly vomit again

12AM - 6AM sleep
6AM - 7AM sleep some more after taking a pee
7AM - 9AM get food get showered and ready for church
9AM - 10AM church
10AM - 11AM go visit dad
11AM - 1PM nap
1PM - 3PM visit with family
3PM - 4PM head back to airport dehydrated and with a headache

Does that sound like a relaxing weekend or what?? I'll bet she can't wait. I'll tell her to pack her spare liver and a hangover remedy. Because she is my cousin, I will let her borrow the "good" sleeping bag to sleep in the garage. It gets mighty cold out there. I'm just kidding. I couldn't be that mean. I am shocked at you people. I'm going to let her sleep in the crawl space. I'm not a heartless guy.

No matter what we do, I can guarantee we will have a great weekend. And I can also guarantee you will hear about it.

Friday, February 27, 2009

A Very Good Night

I had the best of intentions when I decided to take a break last night. I had told myself that I wasn't going to write a blog or story or whatever the heck you call them. I had been pushing it pretty hard lately and I was going to bed. A rest was very much needed. I deserved the rest. I wanted the rest.

Hold on, I've got to run to the garage and get a beer.

OK, I'm good now.

Well, it turns out that the ability to only get four hours of sleep a night and be fine,doesn't run in the family. My lovely cousin Cris, June Cleaver After A Six-Pack, can stay up for three days straight, only needing a piece of bread and 6 bottles of wine. I don't get it. She is super human, an awesome mom and a great writer. It kind of pisses me off. I was pacing her since last Saturday. We were getting right around 4 hours of sleep a night, every night. Every thing was cool.

Right about Wednesday, I began to dislike my alarm clock.. I was waking up delirious, talking to the darn thing like a person. Maybe not a person, what's lower than what a person would walk on. I would say stuff like, "Who are you looking at??!! Oh, just shut up, I hear you!! What, you think I can't see you up on top of that chest??? I bought you! I gave you freedom from that horrible box. Freedom from that little silicone pack and stale Chinese air. Just knock it off!!" By then I was awake. I guess it still works fine.

This all happened in a matter of days. I was dreaming of sleeping at work. Not something you want to do when your 20 feet off the ground on a ladder. I was daydreaming while daydreaming. It started to seem questionable that I should go on like that. I had to stop. And last night was the night.


Hold on, I need another beer.

I'm back. Either I am a fast drinker or slow typist. I'm going with both.

Back to the story.

Except, right before I was going to bed, I called freaking wonder woman. She was all giddy and crap. Talking a hundred miles a minute about the podcast thing. Soon enough it wore off on me and I was talking a hundred miles a minute. We laughed, we cried, it was 1 AM. Crap. I did it again. But this time I didn't even get to write. I was very upset with myself. But, those conversations with her are that good! We have such a good time. You simply cannot call it wasted time. Stupid moronically funny, not wasted.

Today I woke up so pissed at the alarm clock that I would not even talk to it. That's when you know your mad, when to "stop" talking to inanimate objects. I didn't even acknowledge the bastard. I got up, turned "it" off, and got ready for work. The guys at work were impressed with the new language they thought I learned. They thought I was showing off. I just couldn't form words. I was thankful I didn't get pulled over, I would have never passed a field sobriety test. I was too tired. I was beyond tired, I was trierered.

Today I did what any worn out man would do. I worked all day, picked up my daughter from kindergarten, helped with dinner, shipped my wife and daughter off to Disney Playhouse Live, took care of the boy, put him in bed, started drinking and here I am. I am going to drink one more beer (this one is empty) and wait for the girls to get home. Then you can bet your sweet bippy, I am going to bed.

So I say to you, "Good Night".

P.S. I thought I had some great stories to tell you from the past few days, but I'm pretty sure I was hallucinating.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Keep The Junk Coming

Has anyone else noticed a decline in junk mail? I sure have. I used to get all kinds of crap everyday. Now I get very few items, and most are bills. Every once in a while now, I will get nothing. What the heck?? I don't have time to check an empty mailbox!! I have a blog to write and....... well, I just don't like it. I need those cardboard credit cards for the kids. How is Kylie going to fake shop without a barrage of cardboard credit cards?? How do I know if I've been approved for the Super Saver Diamond Platinum Gold Reward Point Low APR Free Gift credit card, unless they tell me? Ummmm..... hellooooo.

I used to hate junk mail. Despised it. Thought of it merely as a waste of paper and resources. Can you imagine how much time and effort is spent on junk mail. It ticked me off. Until I met my buddy Gail. Now, I sign up for all I can.

You see, Gail, like my Uncle Don, retired from the post office. (Can you imagine how many miles they walked??) And I spent most of last winter remodeling the inside of her house. One day I was griping about junk mail when she pointed out, that's how the Post Office makes a hefty chunk of their budget. I never thought of it that way. It's like carpooling for letters. It just makes more sense that six letters pay the mailman to walk up my stairs to the mailbox than one. I get it. Didn't before, but I do now. He still has to walk my street whether he 10 letters or a hundred.

So, with the decline in junk mail, I imagine prices are going to go up soon again. How can we stop it? Get more junk mail. If you see a company offering some info, get it. Get all the junk mail you can, and recycle it. Shoot, I get AARP stuff at 36! I will probably never cancel it. I am going to save all my AARP info until I need it. They are earning my business one piece of junk mail at a time.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


I have two kids. The boy is 18 months old. The girl is 5 1/2 years old. She is a kindergartner at the same catholic school that I went to. I am very proud of that fact. I wanted her knuckles smacked within the same hallowed halls that I got mine smacked. I wanted her to wear her chewing gum on her nose inside the same four walls that I did. I am going to cheer her on as she copies pages out of the bible....

Holy crap! I got in allot of trouble in school!

I remember the smell of the chalkboard. My teacher had caught me doing something cool I'm sure, and made me stand up at the board with my nose inside a small circle she had written on the board. Not just any circle, she would make you come up to the board, stand in front of it, then she would draw the circle just high enough so would have to go on your tip toes. Cruel, maybe. But, I didn't screw with her anymore! I had to wait until next year to mess with another teacher. Spare the rod, spoil the child.

That is why, when my boy turns two, I am going to start some random beatings for all the crap he is going to put me through. I already have a bar of soap picked out to shove in his mouth. Maybe some of the gibberish that I enjoy hearing so much is actually him cussing me out. He could be pissed that I put all his cars away every night. He might even be mispronouncing Spongebob swear word and I don't even know it. Just in case, he's grounded.

So back to my daughter and my old grade school alma mater. It's fairly the same as it was when I went there. The main difference is less kids. Enrollment was high when I went there. I even believe there was a waiting list for some grades. Unfortunately, there are less kids. Less kids means less money. So the parents came up with different ideas to raise money to keep tuition down. The major one is bingo. And when I say major, I mean major. Huge. Enormous even.

They designate what nights each grade is responsible for. You go and volunteer, it's fun and keeps some money in your pocket. I just never understood how serious people get about there bingo. I was never exposed to it.

I am lucky to have all my fingers and toes and arms and legs and let's face it, I am glad to be alive.

Let me make this clear, I am not making fun of, nor, picking on any person that enjoys, plays, eats, drinks, sleeps, or whatever bingo. So please do not stalk me or speak ill of me. All I am saying is HOLY CRAP!! There is a whole world that I didn't know existed there and I volunteered last night. Bingo Tuesday. Which this week was on Fat Tuesday. However, not to be confused with Mardi Gras. Mardi Gras is a party, this is serious stuff.

At my parish, we have the separate all purpose building. It has the basketball court, stage, reception hall all in one big room with some other smaller rooms attached. It's a nice facility. For bingo, they make the gym, the smokers room, and a smaller hall, the non smoking room. Nothing like packing a couple hundred or more smokers in a room the size of a basketball court for 5 hours. I think I picked up some kind of respiratory disease in there. That's coming from a recent non-smoker. I was waiting for the fire department to show up and put them all out. If your a smoker, don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm just saying, go smoke in a phone booth for 5 hours, you'll see.

Fighting against the sneers of the crowd, I took some pictures to show this mammoth weekly event.

Smoking room

Non-smoking room

I really don't see a difference. But seriously, look at all those people out on a cold winter Tuesday night. Almost all seats are permanently reserved. That means they come every week! They have a seating chart!! It's just incredible and very cool. That's allot of support for a little catholic school.

I say "bingo on" my friends, "bingo on."

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

What's So Funny About Men In Coats?

This is an older video, but it's a goodie. I crack up every time I see it.

If you have seen it before.... Enjoy.

If you have never seen it before.... Enjoy.

I and Me and We

There is an I in "TEAM". You may not see it. You may not hear it. But according to my cousin, that's how you spell it. It seems that June wants to do a “June and Cousin Steve” podcast. She said that “we” should set it up. Now, let me tell about my techno challenged cousin. The “we” means “me”. And if I want to do it, I will have to get it done.

Don’t get me wrong, I love her. She is brilliant in my eyes. I am a very lucky cousin. But lurking behind those innocent eyes is pure trickery. It’s like when my sister would pinch me and then yell “Mom Help!!” right before I punched her, so my mom would catch me doing it. All I’m saying is that when we to school, I carried both backpacks, while she skipped.

I am pretty sure that my wife, lovely wonderful light of my life wife, is going to hit me in the head with a frying pan as soon as she gets wind of this new adventure. She has been supportive of the “blog thing” so far, but I will mention that when she walks by, she gives me a look. And then I say “Leave me the hell alone”. Of coarse this is after she is gone and I mumble it so she can’t hear me.

Last week I used to have some free time, then, my cousin made me, I mean, I started a blog. Did I mention I have a full time job and a wife and two wee ones?? Did I mention that job does not allow me to be on the computer?? I only get a couple of hours in the night. When in the bloody heck am I going to get time for a “FAKE RADIO SHOW”!! June said she is going to make me wear an outfit for it. I told her “Nobody can see us”. She said ”Just put it on Pansy”.

So now I figure sometime soon I will be hiding in some corner of my basement, wearing a Leprechaun outfit 2 sizes too small, taping a podcast.

When “I” can set it up.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Sunday Nights

Sunday nights around my house are probably the same as yours. Get ready for the week. I try to scramble to get crap I should have leisurely done during the weekend, done in thirty seven minutes. But last night, you see……. was Oscar Night. I don’t know if I care about the show anymore, too much ego stroking for me. I believe I remember it differently as a kid, seemed to have so much class and elegance. Now it is a program that just my wonderful wife watches.

During the show, I walked over to pick up the remote and she gave me the look that said “Go ahead, change that channel. I dare you. Do it and I will rip off both of your arms and beat your stupid little head with them.” Or at least, that's what I thought she meant. So I said.. “I was just checking to see of it had the right batteries in it…gosh.” Total lie. Then I went and baked her a cake. Not really.

Number one rule in my house, keep momma happy, we all will be happy.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Get Down From There!

My mom always said I was a climber. I would climb everything. As a baby I climbed on the furniture, climbed in and out of the crib. I would even climb up my dad. One time, as told to me, I climbed up the front living room windows, pure buck naked. Mom said, it was funny, cute and scary. All at the same time. I was 2. For the longest time I thought my name was "GET DOWN FROM THERE"!!

As I got older I did what any boy would do, I kept climbing. On top of the house, up a tree. Another time my dad had to go get a ladder from the neighbors to help me out of a tree that I couldn't get down from. I only cared about going up. Down was just a circumstance.

Well, now I am a carpenter. And as all young carpenters should, I spent my younger years framing houses. Big houses. Tall, huge, high up, wonderful houses. My first year I got to work on a 14,000 square foot house. Talk about HUGE! The guest quarters are bigger than my house I am raising my children in. Every little chance I got, I would climb to the top and look around. It was awesome.

I hope that I have established that I am indeed a climber. Or at least that I want to climb stuff. Here comes my problem. We are getting a new ceiling at church. The ceiling was very old and had been painted before. But now is falling apart. It's a cathedral type ceiling, with wonderful large wooden beams and the ceiling is made up of patterned tiles. Kind of like drop ceiling tiles without the grid, for sound. Anyways. To get up to the peak of the ceiling and all points in between, they are using scaffolding. To put it bluntly, our church looks like a huge jungle gym. Like, the best best jungle gym ever made. I cannot focus on a homily with a contraption like that looming over my head!!

For the past few weeks I have no idea what the readings, or gospel, or whatever is about. All I see is the "jungle gym". At first I thought, "Oh cool their fixing the ceiling, sure needed it". That lasted for about five minutes. Every time I leave church without climbing and frolicking on that behemoth of a structure, a small tear runs down my face. Not really, BUT JEEZ!!!

I even want my son to appreciate it. My wife gave me the "What the hell do you think your doing?!!!" look last week. Like there is something wrong with holding your 18 month old son up so he can hang on one of the cross members. I never thought of the flip side of that. I just wanted him to want to climb like every other boy around. Well, he does want. And he does do. And his name also is "GET DOWN FROM THERE!"

I guess one good thing is, hanging in my garage is the ladder that my parents neighbor gave them to get me down, will get him down too. Thanks, Mrs. Rochford.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

June, Don't Pass It On Yet...

So, I start this new blog, back in September..... I don't progress.

I revisit it in December, it goes no further.

I finally sit down and decide that I am now going to do it, and pour a side of me that I don't normally let out in public. I write this post late last night about my dad and nephew. A really big excuse for not blogging. But, to who? I had no readers. Key word there is HAD.

Today I send it to my cousin for approval, since she is the shiznit of blogging. In that e-mail, I wrote:

June, Don't pass it on yet. But here is a look at my blog that I started back in September. I have to do some fancy stuff to make it look good. I just came up with the name last night and switched the old blog to my new address. What do you think. I had to say something about dad, for me. But I tried to keep it quick.

See right after "June" where it says "Don't pass it on yet"? Holy Crap! She wrote a blog about it! I feel like I just emerged out of the shell and she came over and kicked my ass out of the nest.

She said I had nothing to worry about. "It's fine. Just write you Pansie." What that means is... She got an e-mail with a link from me. She doesn't have time to read the body of an e-mail about a funny video or whatever. So she clicks it, got excited, told all.

I freaked out.

I feel like I just got a liquor license for a bar and she told everybody we are having an opening party tonight!

I feel like when your on a first date and the other person starts talking about future plans and weddings and meeting their parents.

I feel like the first time you get on the "super big, rip your face off" roller coaster and it starts to roll out of the station. And your afraid of heights.

I feel like the first time you flew and the planes engines went full throttle on the take off.

I felt... scared.

But, now I'm over it. June called me. Gave me a pep talk. I feel fine.

Sorry the place looks a little drab. I haven't had a chance to fix it up yet. I was not expecting guests.

Thanks for coming. Hope to see you again.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I was a little busy...

Again, I have been gone for a while. I just came back today and realized that I am a horrible blogger. First I tried a shit load of logins and passwords to get here. Then I just looked around at this space that I haven't seen for a while. That's when I saw it. The blog I did on December 17th, 2008.

I was just going to try and get this blog thing going that night. I had decided that I could do it. I was going to get it done.

I remember that night. The kids were in bed. My wife was asleep also. And I was about to get my troubled nephew to come live with me so I could help him straighten out his life. I was feeling good. My life was headed in a good direction. Remember in "Jerry McGuire" when Tom Cruise is driving down the highway after the "handshake" with Cush's dad and he was singing "Free Fallin". That's how I felt that night. I was going to get it done.

I wrote that little blog feeling good inside. Ready to let the blogging world take me. Then I received a phone call. My dad was being taken to the hospital. He was experiencing a ton of pain in his lower back. I didn't think much of it. After all he has survived a minor stroke the week before with flying colors. They went over his whole body....... right? What could be wrong? What could happen? Just take him there to be safe. I met them at the hospital ER. They had a forty five minute ride. I live only ten minutes away.

I helped dad out of the van and into a wheelchair. I pushed him inside as he joked with all the staff. Dad died twenty eight and one half hours after stepping out of that van. Because of the stroke, they put him on some strong thinners to get rid of another clot. Something happened, and he started to bleed internally. They couldn't stop it. There was nothing they could do. It was very sad. I was very angry.

He had gone in late on the 17th and passed early on the 19th of December.

After a wonderful wake done by my Aunt Barbara's funeral home, we buried dad two days before Christmas.

The day that my dad passed, my sixteen year old nephew came to live with me. HOLY CRAP!! At first it was wonderful. But it didn't take long for him to re-start his shit. I fought a valiant battle. I didn't take his crap or let him get away with shit! (Lot's of fecal matter in this part of the story) The harder he pushed, the harder I pushed back. Right up until he ran away. Then I was done. It took us eight days to find him. I found him in a house and turned him over to the police. He fought the cops then ran right out of the station!! They caught him again nine hours later. Sent him to the Juvenile Detention Center. Two days later they released him to me. I drove him four hundred miles back to where he came from. Little ungrateful shit. (To anyone that may judge me, I could fill up 20 pages with the details from only 5 weeks. I have little children in my house.)

So now, I am recovering from the worst time in my life so far. I hope it will have been the worst in my lifetime. Thing are getting back in order. And I am getting back to being "Happy Steve". Hence, re-starting the blog.

Thanks to all for letting me get that off my chest, I really needed it. I don't want my blog to be a somber place. But sometimes shit happens, and we all need to talk about it. I am going to get it done.