Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Diapers, Beer, Handstands, and a Skirt

I was going to do a blog on how to change a diaper while drinking a beer, doing a handstand, and wearing a skirt. But, I realized what a cool video that would be. I could be the next YouTube sensation. Millions of people would be impressed by my amazing talents. I would be rich.

Then FlyNavy pointed out that I was male, and real men don't wear skirts. I was going to change the skirt to an apron. Like the ones that guys grill in or chefs wear. But, I don't have one. As a matter of fact. I have never seen a guy grilling in one in real life, not in a restaurant, and not on TV.

MaeMae suggested I wear a kilt. It would be fitting to my Irish/Scottish heritage. I have a right to wear a kilt, I thought. And I would, if I had one. It seems as the only thing I actually had was one of my wife's skirts. What if she saw me?.... awkward!

Then it occurred to me, if I was doing all those things, how was I going to hold the camera? I don't have a tripod. I really think I do, it just got lost in the move 2 years ago. You can't lay the camera on the floor an catch something so "spectacular" as that. And that whole books on a table thing only works for family photos.

I really had to start looking at all the other variables...

1. The only diaper wearing child I have is my almost 2 year old that would only sit still for me if I hit him with an elephant tranquilizer.

2. I could actually spill the beer. Nuff said.

3. A handstand...... maybe if a crane had me by the ankles. (If you believe my body really looks like the pictures to the right, I have two words for you...... photo shop)

4. I am not buying an apron or kilt just to do a video. These are rough economic times people. I can only afford a thong. Kind of an awkward place to put "Kiss the Cook".

So really, I cannot deliver the "awesome feat" that I wanted to, at this present time. Maybe I will start a diaper, beer, handstand, apron training regiment soon. Don't be too surprised when that picture shows up on the blog.

A man can dream, can't he?

Your Cousin,


P.S. Didn't think I would actually do a blog about that stuff, did you. Well, me neither. Oh, always making me mother proud.


FLYNAVY said...

Glad u re-thought that training operation. Done a few too many keg stands in my lifetime & changed gazillion of diapers & the thought of throwing in the rest of the variables just made me break out in a cold sweat. [it passed after a tall cold 1 or 4]. There r alot of things in life that should be done 1 @ a time.
& fyi, own a coupla of blackwatch kilts, & you're welcome to borrow 1, but pretty sure if u read the instructions of the proper lack of skivie wearin, that headstands could xpose parts that could get us arrested.
Glad to see u back @ the helm buddy. Life goes on.

Uptown Girl said...

your body doesn't look like the pictures to the right?? not even the yoga shot? ... I feel cheated.

even so, I think that if we all band together we can get the job done. I'll send you an apron and some elephant tranquilizer. Mr. FlyNavy can lend a kilt. (it may be wise to double up with the apron and kilt). All we need is to find a tripod OR a cameraman.

Oh and I bet you could get June to supply some beer. So all you rly need is to supply your own kid and diapers.


Uptown Girl said...

...still need a crane too, i almost forgot about the handstand.

Cousin Steve said...

Ha Ha Ha! Looks like I am running out of excuses!

Oh my gosh! Look over there! It's an elephant!

(as you guys look for the elephant, I run the other direction)

That's right, I am also a master of diversion.

FLYNAVY said...

Found my kegstand pics [& they're were alot, go figure] so good to go, pro @ the 1 handed dookie diaper changing, & maybe after a few keggers I might try the kilt headstand. Miss Cleaver needs to be standing by jic I tip too far norte.....now whaddau want me to do with this here elephant. [PETA-No elephants were harmed in the writing of this note.][I fall for the look over there shiney thing too.]

Anna B. said...


Dianne said...

Steve: please tell me how to get back on June C's blog....she is my fave, so funny I hope she writes a book....Dianne (Mimi)

MaeMae said...

I have a tripod you could borrow - or I've also worked as a photographer, and I'll work for beer...at least for this assignment.

If you read deep enough onto the kilt website, those manly kilts do come with a "modesty snap" for those men inclined to wear their kilts whilst working on ladders and such. I think that's mainly for the benefit those on ground below them, though.

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