Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
16 years ago today, I met my wife. She was a cute, quiet, shy girl. Who at the time must have been blind, deaf, and with a head injury to stick with a boy like me. Some mutual friends of ours suckered her, I mean, set us up.
I stole a kiss, she stole my heart. The rest is history.
Thanks for putting up with my crap. If most of you only knew..... what an angel I am. Ha ha.
It's Business Time.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Did you notice I was gone?
Did you miss me?
Remember what happened to Rick Moranis in Ghostbusters?? You know, after the "dog" attacked him in the park? That's what happened to me! I swear. I was all like...
OK. That didn't really happen, I don't even know what he said.
Here's what happened, I swear on my poor teddy bear, Mr. Fluffy, and his missing eyes.
Walking my neighbors bear last night through the Appalachian Mountains I was attacked by a bear. I wasn't sure where he came from. He chased me and pushed me to the ground and started tickling me. I couldn't get away! It was pure torture. Then he got out his Blackberry, which wasn't a berry at all, and proceeded to Rick-roll me. When he started playing Warcraft, I ran. I hate that bear. After about another hour, I found my neighbors bear and we headed for home.
I'm lucky to be alive.
Not buying that one either?
Here's what really happened....
After June went home from a glorious weekend at my house, I realized what a good time she has at all times (not including the husband being gone thing). She is so many good things to so many people that it made me envious of her. I thought, "What would it be like if I was her?" So I flew to Korea and got a sex change. After meeting Dr. Jeong-Hwan Kim Kwang Yul Cha Smith, I felt very comfortable. He said the procedure would be short, and healing would be quick.
Under the knife I went.
Two hours later I was homeward bound. I arrived to very mixed emotions from all. Except Aunt Barbara, she loves me for who I am. Apparently, and I do mean apparently, I mixed up a picture of June with Kathy Bates and gave the wrong pic to the doc. I must of had too many of those small bottles of Jameson Irish Wiskey on the flight over. All weekend I did scenes from Misery in a Jacuzzi. It was very disturbing. Then I read June's PMS blog and realized that I forgot about that part. Not wanting to look like Kathy any longer and afraid that cramps were around the bend, I knew I had to change back. When my wife stopped crying and the tranquilizers kicked in, I snuck into the house, grabbed my piggy bank and headed back to Korea.
Not to make the same mistake twice, I found a different doctor, Dr, Harvey Finkelsteinowitzski. He was also from America, had to leave because they didn't let you smoke during surgery there. Said he "preferred" to work in Korea. He did ask some weird questions though. Stuff like, "Did anyone follow you here?" and "Are you politically connected?" and "You were good looking before this?". I told him "No. No. Yes, well kind of." I said, "Never mind the questions Doc, return me to my beautiful self!"
Into surgery I went.
Hours passed by.......
I was still in surgery.
Finally after 63 days 11 hours and 22 minutes, I arrived. Was it me? You bet! I was back! I paid the doc and came home. I had very little money left so I had to stow away on a freighter with a bunch of illegal Koreans trying to get into the U.S. Not pretty.
I got home about an hour ago. I had to say "hi" to my lovely wife and beautiful kids then I came straight to you guys. I figured, my adoring public couldn't wait. Right?!
Now, it being St Patty's Day and all. And me being of the Irish sort. Telling a small fib of a tale might not be out of the question. After all, I got it from the best (my dad).
As far as those of you who don't believe that story. You don't want to know the truth. It involves things that just are not to be mentioned here. All I can say is.... my REAL doctor says I should be fine soon.
In the meantime....
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
God bless you all for being patient. Thanks.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
This season, my daughter has gotten the flu twice, my lovely wife once, and myself once. Right now I am knocking on every piece of wood in the house as I tell you that Steven hasn't had it yet. Seriously, I don't need a sick baby. I had better not get a sick baby. Talk about being helpless, as they look up at you with those little eyes, and a whimper just as they throw up all over you, the chair, the carpet, everything. I have enough formula stained clothes, thank you.
I was nestled into bed on Monday night, dreaming of the wonderful weekend I just had. At about 1 am, I awoke to my wife, sorry, lovely wife screaming my name. Normally I would not complain about such a thing. This was not one of those nights. It came to my groggy attention that my daughter had awoke with a queasy stomach and felt the need to expel dinner all over her bed, all her bed clothes (my wife likes to call it that), and herself. We had a mess. Did I mention that it was 1 am?
I threw a surprisingly upbeat Kylie in the shower and began to hose her off. In a short time I had her clean, dry, and as good as new. As long as "good as new" doesn't include styling her hair. Christina can do her hair, without even thinking about it. She could probably do Kylie's hair while in a deep sleep with one hand that's been crushed by a garbage truck. But I cannot, repeat, cannot do long little girl hair. I try, lots of times. To no avail. She will look like Punky Brewster meets Lisa Simpson meets Lambchop. It's not good.
After we used every available towel to cover the couch and a 10 foot radius of carpeting, we threw a sheet and a comforter on and set her up for the night. Christina decided that she would take the next day off and take care of the kids. I was allowed to go to bed. A couple hours later, I awoke to a still awake kid and an unslept wife. Not good. Christina expressed (told) me her concerns about taking care of a sick little girl and a rambunctious 19 month old well slept boy when she'd been up all night. I, like any good husband, decided (was told) to take the morning off.
Kylie spent the rest of the day cleaning out her belly. I felt horrible. No, really I felt horrible. Some people get sympathy pains, I get the flu. I spent the next three day days in the recliner with an empty stomach and a fever. On the brighter side I have lost 10 pounds. Which is amazing if you have seen my pictures (wink wink).
Tonight, while shivering from yet another wonderful fever spout, or whatever you call it, I turned to Christina and asked her in a sarcastic voice, "Hey, didn't we get flu shots this year?" She turned to me with a straight face and said, "Didn't you hear? They got it wrong. They used the wrong strains."
I love her.
And I want my money back.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Today I am home taking care of sick wee ones and I was fumbling around on the net. I was trying to watch a video, which you cannot do without advertising nowadays. How come crap has to pop up on the screen?? Can't I just watch the darn video without getting hassled. Anyways, I came across the high quality long trailer for Watchmen.
I am not a big movie goer. However, I am ready to go see this one. Looks good. Seems like one of those movies that is just better in a theater. And did I mention that maybe a beautiful woman is in it? That is not the reason to go the film, but it helps.
This is the Silk Spectre otherwise known in the movie as Laurie Juspeczyk. Played by the gorgeous Malin Akerman.
For you girls, did I mention that Denny Duquette is in the movie? Well not Denny, but Jeffrey Dean Morgan, the guy who played Denny is. And a couple other whatever guys.
If you have seen it, let me know what you think. Inquiring minds want to know
Monday, March 9, 2009
Friday night, June and I partied like rock stars. That is assuming that the rock stars are mid thirties and married (faithfully) with kids. We were with our friend Steffie and my polack buddy and some other mixed friends. I honestly can't remember the last time that I drank as much beer in one evening. It was just one of those nights when they just taste right. June and I couldn't help it, the Irish in us took hold and wasn't letting up. We would have drank them dry if we had the time.
I am sure that most of you read June's blog, "What I Did On My Mental Stabilization Weekend, By June Cleaver... ". If not, do so now. I will wait.
And we're back!
Like June said, I picked her up from the airport in my truck and we went straight to the pub. It was like we were royalty. We got a table, filled it with beer and food, fit for a king. When we were done stuffing ourselves, it was time to party.
A great thing about a local bar is the mix of people there. It's mainly young people with a mix of "adults". You cannot get so many young men together with alchohol and not expect something to happen. Every liquored young man thinks he can pick up any woman, all he has to do is ask. Their only restriction is their courage.
We enjoyed making fun of the young fellas in the bar that were oogleing June. You could see it in their eyes, they were all like "Howyoudoin'?" and she was like, "I will eat you, boy." They have no idea.
After a while, Stefie went home and June, the polock, and myself went across the street to another bar. One the way in we ran into a youngster outside, he was drunk, and his young mom was telling him to go home in her chicago itallian accent. That struck me as funny. It went something like this...
Tony's Ma - "Go home Tony. Your drunk. Your acting stupid and it's time to go."
Tony - "Awe Ma!"
Tony's Ma - "Don't awe mom me, go home!"
Tony - "But Ma, he started it!"
Tony' Ma - "I don't care! Your drunk. Go home!"
You get the idea. It keeps going on and on and on. So being the quiet people we are, June and I start in with our own "Tony go home!" We just keep repeating it until he started for the parking lot. Mission accomplished, we went in and ordered beers to ail our parched throats.
After an hour it was closing time and we headed for the door. As we get to the door, we see the bouncer holding everybody back. "Don't go outside, it's not safe, he's going crazy" he says. So we look, and guess who.... yup, Tony. He's jumping around like a monkey with his shirt off, pounding on the window, acting crazy. I look at June, she looks at me, and we pushed the "bouncer" aside and went out to kick Tony's ass.
We get outside and June and I start in with "What the heck is the matter with you Tony? Didn't your mother tell you to go home? Go home Tony." I start pushing Tony back towards the parking lot, while he keeps running his mouth to some guys over my shoulder. He wouldn't stop. So I let him go, and those guys went after him. We left him to find out if his body can cash the checks his mouth writes.
I guess that's the difference between being a drunk youngster and an adult that's been drinking. Experience tells us that, "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, and know when to run". Experience, and Kenny.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I have a close family. We enjoy spending birthdays and holidays and whatevers together. I am blessed to have such a loving family. Today is my birthday. My birthday, my turn to have everyone over. An impossible task to do without my lovely wife. It was special party because my cousin June Cleaver was in town. Everyone was looking forward to seeing her again. She flew in Friday night. I picked her up from the airport and we went straight to our local pub and hangout.
It's been a long time since I had a night on the town. We drank and drank and drank, and we laughed and laughed and laughed. Staying up past my bedtime is not usually a practice I do. However, last night it was a necessity. I am usually too worn out from working all day to stay up. I paid for it this morning though. It seemed as if I had just gone to bed when I hear my cousin mocking me from the living room. It turns out it was already morning.
Taking all day to recover, when it was time for the party, I was ready. We had a great party, good food and lots of laughs. What else do you need? I am going to save some of these laughs for a rainy day. It's just too much for one day.
Everyone is in bed, and all is quiet, for now. But I'm pretty sure that won't last long, my kids are early risers . Goodie. Bring it on, it's what I live for.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I always thought that if you had an anti-virus program installed, that you were safe from....... maybe....... a virus. Isn't that the point? It turns out that my computer and my wife both have the same anti-virus programs. She's doing better and the computer, well who gives a crap about the computer. I just hope I can get all those pictures off of it. It will all work out.
It's amazing how upside down my world gets when I can't get online. I felt like a crack addict without the crack. I only used to feel that way when I forgot my wallet somewhere. Now I feel like I have so many necessities. Internet, cell phone, bank card, internet, helium, internet, hockey skates, internet, air, and internet. I like the internet. Banking, shopping, visiting, entertainment, and education. It amazes me that someone would want to live without the internet in today's age. My how far we have come in such a short time.
I must go now, for as much as I need to be online, my wife and kids need me more. See you tomorrow, internet.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Seriously in Jesus's time, they whittled holes through wood. Do know how much work that was. Three other guys and myself (back in our early twenties) stick built a 2400 square foot home with an attached garage in less that 3 regular work days. That's less than 24 hours off work. Jesus may have only whittled (drilled) 24 holes in that amount of time. I bet he is in awe of where we technologically are.
Just to think how far we have come in just my short lifetime amazes me. I'm sure that because God is all knowing and Jesus is his son, they kind of knew we would be here. But, we did it. I am still a few years away from forty and when I was a child, I had to get up to change the channel. A computer was something that took up a room. Base model cars had no frills, not even a passenger side rear view mirror.
The vehicle I learned to drive in was a 1987 Chevrolet s-10 pickup truck. All of it's features were, 2.5 liter 4 cylinder engine, 4 speed manual transmission, vacuum assisted brakes, heater, AM radio, steel rally wheels, painted rear step bumper, and sunshine stripes (on the exterior). Trucks then didn't come with rear bumpers, it was an option. That truck was also under $7,000 brand new.
Back to what I was saying. I still like to think, in my funny little mind, that every time a new, better, bigger, and shinier tool is made, Jesus let's out a "Come on!! I could of used that too!". It cracks me up to think that he was diligently watching the day somebody made the first nail gun. I'll bet my grandfather even says "I could have used that" a couple time from heaven. Come to think of it, imagine all the people in heaven watching us grow. The transformation has got to be amazing. We went to the moon for crying out loud. Very cool. I know that we make them proud.
So, if you are ever working around me and I pull the trigger and shoot a 16 penny nail into a pine board and you see me grin. You will know what I am thinking.