Did you notice I was gone?
Did you miss me?
Remember what happened to Rick Moranis in Ghostbusters?? You know, after the "dog" attacked him in the park? That's what happened to me! I swear. I was all like...
OK. That didn't really happen, I don't even know what he said.
Here's what happened, I swear on my poor teddy bear, Mr. Fluffy, and his missing eyes.
Walking my neighbors bear last night through the Appalachian Mountains I was attacked by a bear. I wasn't sure where he came from. He chased me and pushed me to the ground and started tickling me. I couldn't get away! It was pure torture. Then he got out his Blackberry, which wasn't a berry at all, and proceeded to Rick-roll me. When he started playing Warcraft, I ran. I hate that bear. After about another hour, I found my neighbors bear and we headed for home.
I'm lucky to be alive.
Not buying that one either?
Here's what really happened....
After June went home from a glorious weekend at my house, I realized what a good time she has at all times (not including the husband being gone thing). She is so many good things to so many people that it made me envious of her. I thought, "What would it be like if I was her?" So I flew to Korea and got a sex change. After meeting Dr. Jeong-Hwan Kim Kwang Yul Cha Smith, I felt very comfortable. He said the procedure would be short, and healing would be quick.
Under the knife I went.
Two hours later I was homeward bound. I arrived to very mixed emotions from all. Except Aunt Barbara, she loves me for who I am. Apparently, and I do mean apparently, I mixed up a picture of June with Kathy Bates and gave the wrong pic to the doc. I must of had too many of those small bottles of Jameson Irish Wiskey on the flight over. All weekend I did scenes from Misery in a Jacuzzi. It was very disturbing. Then I read June's PMS blog and realized that I forgot about that part. Not wanting to look like Kathy any longer and afraid that cramps were around the bend, I knew I had to change back. When my wife stopped crying and the tranquilizers kicked in, I snuck into the house, grabbed my piggy bank and headed back to Korea.
Not to make the same mistake twice, I found a different doctor, Dr, Harvey Finkelsteinowitzski. He was also from America, had to leave because they didn't let you smoke during surgery there. Said he "preferred" to work in Korea. He did ask some weird questions though. Stuff like, "Did anyone follow you here?" and "Are you politically connected?" and "You were good looking before this?". I told him "No. No. Yes, well kind of." I said, "Never mind the questions Doc, return me to my beautiful self!"
Into surgery I went.
Hours passed by.......
I was still in surgery.
Finally after 63 days 11 hours and 22 minutes, I arrived. Was it me? You bet! I was back! I paid the doc and came home. I had very little money left so I had to stow away on a freighter with a bunch of illegal Koreans trying to get into the U.S. Not pretty.
I got home about an hour ago. I had to say "hi" to my lovely wife and beautiful kids then I came straight to you guys. I figured, my adoring public couldn't wait. Right?!
Now, it being St Patty's Day and all. And me being of the Irish sort. Telling a small fib of a tale might not be out of the question. After all, I got it from the best (my dad).
As far as those of you who don't believe that story. You don't want to know the truth. It involves things that just are not to be mentioned here. All I can say is.... my REAL doctor says I should be fine soon.
In the meantime....
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
God bless you all for being patient. Thanks.