Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Happy 2011!!

So this is 2011. A month into this new and wonderful year and I still can smell 2010 like a poopie diaper in the kitchen garbage can. I personally had a rough 2010. It seemed to burden me like I was carrying a 1,000 pound gorilla who was carrying a dump truck that was full of boulders. No matter what I tried, it was the bully taking my lunch and pushing my face into the snow. Everyday I took 3 steps forward and slipped 7 steps back. But not any more! It's a new year. And with that new year brings new hope and a new job.

I was offered and accepted a job last week to work as a service and warranty representative for a large remodeling company. I am very glad to get a job after being off all winter and am sure that my routine will not change. I hope they don't mind me walking around in pajama bottoms and a t-shirt while drinking coffee and reading the paper. I also am wondering if they will mind me on Facebook and the internet for hours at a time. How will I change??

Trying to save money this winter, I quit going out and had become a non-social. Well that's not true, I had Facebook. Which is crack to a socialite like myself. It has allowed me to keep in touch with everyone without ever leaving the house. Facebook for me, is as bad as it is good. It reunited me with so many lost friends and stole my free time. I have already begun my break from Facebook. I don't want to quit, just slow down. So far, since starting this post today, I have checked it 23,762 times. It's just wrong. I'm going to end up in the Betty Ford Clinic in a straight jacket.

I am excited to get back to a normal life and living in a world where Fridays actually mean something. There is no weekends when your off everyday. Hard to write a blog and be social when your life is in a rut. So... to bring back the normal me, today I have decided to go streaking through my town's downtown area. Just me and my running shoes hauling ass down the double yellow lines as fast as I can while seeing my wonderful reflection in those big store windows. That would be a great kick off to the new me in 2011! Wait, I remembered I need new running shoes. Oh, and I am fat and out of shape. Damn. I think that could have been the jump start I needed. Maybe in a few months. I'll start back at the health club today. I just have to check Facebook...

Monday, November 29, 2010

Exercise Mode

It should be obvious to me that I have become extremely un-fit. Not as a father, just as the true Olympian that lives deep inside. I know what your thinking.... "No way Cousin Steve, you look great!!!"

You are a liar.

It seems that my personally form fitted Lazy Boy recliner may not have been such a good idea. I had always wonder why the chair came with oxygen and a defibrillator. Oh, but how I love that chair. It holds me like a ginormous mother cradling me in her arms and singing me gentle lullabyes that resemble my favorite tv shows.

Well, feeling like crap and not having a cold I decided to go to my family doctor. He gave me a physical to which I realized I may have a problem. My cardio had slid so bad that I felt I deserved a marathon medal for finishing a trip to the grocery store. On inspection, my doctor found that Thompson boy that had been missing for six days, he was living in one of my fat wrinkles. I don't know where he got an x-box and a flat screen, but he seemed kind of pissed when they returned him to his family. He had actually put on weight.

The doctor ran me through the gamut. He checked for moles and did blood work and checked for things that I didn't realize needed to be checked. I am happy to say, I can still push off the prostate exam for one more year, leaving my virginity intact. Doc decided that my numbers were still too high and figured he would add to my vast collection of meds. One was an injection into my thighs. That freaking hurts. Where did I go wrong???

I had had enough.

The time had come for me to take my life back stop employing an army of prescription making, selling, marketing, charging, and filling people. Sorry folks. I need to change my ways. I need freedom from side effects that cause me to need another medicine that causes the need for another.

It was on October 11th of this year, I was just screwing around on the laptop when I started to notice all these congratulatory comments for marathoners. It turns out that a couple friends of mine ran the Chicago Marathon the day before and were crazy excited about finishing. One of them, quit smoking a year earlier and decided to make her life right and run the marathon. Now she's a running addict. Then it dawned on me, that's what I need. I need a goal. Not just a lose 40 pounds goal. A gigantic goal. I was going to run the next Chicago Marathon. On 10-11-2011, I decided on running and finishing the Chicago Marathon.

Yup, my fat ass was in trouble.

My wonderful wife and I joined a health club and are four weeks into my marathon training. Every time I run, I proudly hold my head up high, take a deep breath, and wonder "WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING???!!!" But then the endorphins kick in, and I finish my half lap, walk it out and go home. People say, "How do you do it Steve?" I just turn to them and say, "Totalitarianism is precursor to a country that has no heart, man. Free Tibet!" What else is there to say.

Wish me luck. I am running in memory of my little sister Kate. She was a great runner. I only became a good runner in order to catch her when she wronged me. I was like Rocky Balboa frantically running around trying to catch the chicken. Katie was fast. Yup, like a chicken. (She would of killed me for saying that.)

Friday, October 22, 2010

The show must go on

It has been over a year since I deserted this, my oh so precious blog baby, and most any other link I had to regaining sanity. Depresion is a bitch. I need to regain the ground that I enjoyed so much. But can I dedicate the time?? I need to. I have so much more good material. It was a wonderful place to get lost in. Cousin Steve is fun.

I just wonder if this is still a valid medium? Is there anybody there? I can't blame anyone for walking away, even a pet rock would have perished. I am so tired of Facebook that I could throw up. Like 29 shots of Rumple Minze throw up. Speaking of, ever been so drunk that you thought milk would settle your stomach?? I have. Ha. It didn't end well.

So many great stories to tell. Like the aliens and the probe, my sex change, my sex change back, then I did it again, then back, then I was turned into a dog. Now I'm back. But I still run on all fours and drink out of a bowl by the back door. I'm just kidding, I don't run. You guys are so gullible.

Please comment, if you would like a Cousin Steve return. Inquiring minds want to know.

Monday, August 24, 2009

From a Galaxy Far Far Away.....

OK, I don't have much time..... Aliens have abducted me and I am in their ship. They consider me a perfect human specimen. I don't know what they are planning, but they feed me well. Very well, I am putting on weight like crazy!!! Which is weird, because we are in outer space. I should be weightless!!

Let June know I am in the 4th quadrant of the something or another galaxy. Tell her I have my Genuine Star Trek Communicator but I think the batteries are low, it doesn't work at all. She can find me that way I hope. And have her call NASA, Buck Rogers, and Luke Skywalker and come get me.

Don't get me wrong, they seem very nice to me. I think we are close to our destination, they keep talking how I am the guest of honor at the Captains feast. I ask what we are having and they just laugh. I bet I won't like it!!

Well, I hope that sheds some light on where I have been. I have to go now I think I hear Shleplar coming.

Bye! Get June!!

Your Cousin,

P.S. Or I have just been "summer" busy. Be back in full swing soon.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Bean Spilling

In the light of previous comments I have decided to spill all the beans.......just to get it all in the open. Cousin Steve style of course.

I have never made out with a manatee.

One of my legs is shorter than the other.

I wear contacts, and not the colored ones. Blind as a bat without them.

I like Pina Colada's and getting caught in the rain.

I enjoyed testing the "cat's always land on their feet" theory with our cat Louie, as a kid. Poor Louie. That's why he would come and bite me on my head in the middle of the night.

I think that stop signs with white borders are optional.

When I was 14, I told my mom that I broke my arm when I accidentally fell of my bike. When I really broke it doing something stupid on my bike.

I rode and elephant once, bare back.

One time when my parents were out of town and I was 20. They called to check in on me. I told them I was having a kegger party in their house. Mom laughed so hard she couldn't talk and handed the phone to my dad. I told him also. He didn't believe me either. They both were laughing now. Then dad said in a joking voice "Well, have a good time at your KEGGER". I said "I will" and hung up the phone and finished tapping the keg. We went through two kegs that night. A couple years ago I was talking with my parents, and since I was now married with two kids and a mortgage, I came clean on quite a few things. I figured, what, are they going to ground me?? I said "Remember when you guys were in New Orleans and I said I was having a kegger party in your house.....". The truth will set you free.

I once swam in Lake Michigan in downtown Chicago in a tux. Pissed of the limo driver.

I participated in senior ditch day on my sophomore, junior and senior years. I couldn't help it. You cannot watch a movie like Ferris Bueller's Day Off and not want to reenact it. I live just outside of Chicago for crying out loud. All we needed was a Ferrari.

I didn't start smoking until I was 20. I have been smoke free for two years now. Quiting IS one of great accomplishments.

I almost got in trouble by park rangers as a teenager one night. We had a huge bonfire at the beach. There was over a hundred from my high school. The southern sandy shores of Lake Michigan are awesome for bonfires. Park rangers came running out from all directions. We scattered like cockroaches. I guess I just ran faster than most. Due to fear, I bet I could have set some Olympic records for sprinting across sand that night.

I have never been in a hot air balloon. But want to.

June is not in outer space......... yet.

I believe, "You've got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything."

Till next time....... live. I do.

Your Cousin,

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Still Fishing

I am way too loaded to write this, but i will try anyway. OK, I can't.

We just just got off the lake. Spent most of the day in a place they call "party cove". Way too much alchohol and swimming and fun. Little Steven is just getting used to this. I need some food badley. I could eat the north end of a south bound mule.

Think about it.

Talk at you all later.

Your Cousin,

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Gone Fishin'

Unfortunately for the blogging world, my quick return is contended with a quick leave of absence. So, both of you will have to find something to do. Just kidding. I know that's you mom.

I am throwing my lovely wife, the kids, and myself into the truck and heading to central Missouri for a long weekend and much needed break. I have had enough of reality this past seven months, and I am high tailing it out of town. One of my freinds offered us to come down to his lake house in the Ozarks. How, in the name of everything holy, could I turn that down?

As crazy as it sounds, I will be in the middle of nowhere and still have internet. I just might check in. I just might check in ....... tipsey.

Is it masculine to say tipsey?

How about buzzed.

How about buzzed blogging? I like it! That could be fun!! It might be more funfor me than you.

I can see it now.....

Title : I love you man

Blog: I love you man. No..... i don't think you know what I mean...... I reeeaaally love you man. Remeber when you pulled me out of that burning building??? Me neither. But... I love you man. We've been like freinds like forever, man. I would take a bullet for you man...... Hey...... don't get shot or anything.... because I really don't want to take a bullet...... you know...... don't leave me man... (start crying for no reason) ..... I gotta go.....

I love you man.

(Yes, I have drunk dialed)

It used to be a common New Years thing for me. After the countdown, after champagne, after all the hugs and kisses, I would head outside and call everybody who wasn't at the party. I would start with Mom and Dad, then freinds, family, ex-girlfreinds, enemies, my mailman, my first grade teacher, as a matter of fact I wouldn't finish up until noon on New Years Day and I would be stone cold sober. And confused.

But enough of that, I headed out of town. Won't be back until next Tuesday.

Waahoooo! (With fist pump into the air) Then they freeze frame me mid-air, fist up high, and with a smile on my face. Just like they would do at the end of every 80's TV show.

Gosh, how times were simple when Ponch and John patrolled the highways..... (for all you young-ins, they were on CHiPs. The greatest cop show for a kid in the 80's.)

I was always John.

The highways were never so safe...

Hopefully my reverence for the highway patrol as a kid cuts me some slack on my travels this trip.

Take care all.

Cousin Steve