Exercise Mode

It should be obvious to me that I have become extremely un-fit. Not as a father, just as the true Olympian that lives deep inside. I know what your thinking.... "No way Cousin Steve, you look great!!!"

You are a liar.

It seems that my personally form fitted Lazy Boy recliner may not have been such a good idea. I had always wonder why the chair came with oxygen and a defibrillator. Oh, but how I love that chair. It holds me like a ginormous mother cradling me in her arms and singing me gentle lullabyes that resemble my favorite tv shows.

Well, feeling like crap and not having a cold I decided to go to my family doctor. He gave me a physical to which I realized I may have a problem. My cardio had slid so bad that I felt I deserved a marathon medal for finishing a trip to the grocery store. On inspection, my doctor found that Thompson boy that had been missing for six days, he was living in one of my fat wrinkles. I don't know where he got an x-box and a flat screen, but he seemed kind of pissed when they returned him to his family. He had actually put on weight.

The doctor ran me through the gamut. He checked for moles and did blood work and checked for things that I didn't realize needed to be checked. I am happy to say, I can still push off the prostate exam for one more year, leaving my virginity intact. Doc decided that my numbers were still too high and figured he would add to my vast collection of meds. One was an injection into my thighs. That freaking hurts. Where did I go wrong???

I had had enough.

The time had come for me to take my life back stop employing an army of prescription making, selling, marketing, charging, and filling people. Sorry folks. I need to change my ways. I need freedom from side effects that cause me to need another medicine that causes the need for another.

It was on October 11th of this year, I was just screwing around on the laptop when I started to notice all these congratulatory comments for marathoners. It turns out that a couple friends of mine ran the Chicago Marathon the day before and were crazy excited about finishing. One of them, quit smoking a year earlier and decided to make her life right and run the marathon. Now she's a running addict. Then it dawned on me, that's what I need. I need a goal. Not just a lose 40 pounds goal. A gigantic goal. I was going to run the next Chicago Marathon. On 10-11-2011, I decided on running and finishing the Chicago Marathon.

Yup, my fat ass was in trouble.

My wonderful wife and I joined a health club and are four weeks into my marathon training. Every time I run, I proudly hold my head up high, take a deep breath, and wonder "WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING???!!!" But then the endorphins kick in, and I finish my half lap, walk it out and go home. People say, "How do you do it Steve?" I just turn to them and say, "Totalitarianism is precursor to a country that has no heart, man. Free Tibet!" What else is there to say.

Wish me luck. I am running in memory of my little sister Kate. She was a great runner. I only became a good runner in order to catch her when she wronged me. I was like Rocky Balboa frantically running around trying to catch the chicken. Katie was fast. Yup, like a chicken. (She would of killed me for saying that.)

The show must go on

It has been over a year since I deserted this, my oh so precious blog baby, and most any other link I had to regaining sanity. Depresion is a bitch. I need to regain the ground that I enjoyed so much. But can I dedicate the time?? I need to. I have so much more good material. It was a wonderful place to get lost in. Cousin Steve is fun.

I just wonder if this is still a valid medium? Is there anybody there? I can't blame anyone for walking away, even a pet rock would have perished. I am so tired of Facebook that I could throw up. Like 29 shots of Rumple Minze throw up. Speaking of, ever been so drunk that you thought milk would settle your stomach?? I have. Ha. It didn't end well.

So many great stories to tell. Like the aliens and the probe, my sex change, my sex change back, then I did it again, then back, then I was turned into a dog. Now I'm back. But I still run on all fours and drink out of a bowl by the back door. I'm just kidding, I don't run. You guys are so gullible.

Please comment, if you would like a Cousin Steve return. Inquiring minds want to know.

From a Galaxy Far Far Away.....

OK, I don't have much time..... Aliens have abducted me and I am in their ship. They consider me a perfect human specimen. I don't know what they are planning, but they feed me well. Very well, I am putting on weight like crazy!!! Which is weird, because we are in outer space. I should be weightless!!

Let June know I am in the 4th quadrant of the something or another galaxy. Tell her I have my Genuine Star Trek Communicator but I think the batteries are low, it doesn't work at all. She can find me that way I hope. And have her call NASA, Buck Rogers, and Luke Skywalker and come get me.

Don't get me wrong, they seem very nice to me. I think we are close to our destination, they keep talking how I am the guest of honor at the Captains feast. I ask what we are having and they just laugh. I bet I won't like it!!

Well, I hope that sheds some light on where I have been. I have to go now I think I hear Shleplar coming.

Bye! Get June!!

Your Cousin,
Steve

P.S. Or I have just been "summer" busy. Be back in full swing soon.

Bean Spilling

In the light of previous comments I have decided to spill all the beans.......just to get it all in the open. Cousin Steve style of course.

I have never made out with a manatee.

One of my legs is shorter than the other.

I wear contacts, and not the colored ones. Blind as a bat without them.

I like Pina Colada's and getting caught in the rain.

I enjoyed testing the "cat's always land on their feet" theory with our cat Louie, as a kid. Poor Louie. That's why he would come and bite me on my head in the middle of the night.

I think that stop signs with white borders are optional.

When I was 14, I told my mom that I broke my arm when I accidentally fell of my bike. When I really broke it doing something stupid on my bike.

I rode and elephant once, bare back.

One time when my parents were out of town and I was 20. They called to check in on me. I told them I was having a kegger party in their house. Mom laughed so hard she couldn't talk and handed the phone to my dad. I told him also. He didn't believe me either. They both were laughing now. Then dad said in a joking voice "Well, have a good time at your KEGGER". I said "I will" and hung up the phone and finished tapping the keg. We went through two kegs that night. A couple years ago I was talking with my parents, and since I was now married with two kids and a mortgage, I came clean on quite a few things. I figured, what, are they going to ground me?? I said "Remember when you guys were in New Orleans and I said I was having a kegger party in your house.....". The truth will set you free.

I once swam in Lake Michigan in downtown Chicago in a tux. Pissed of the limo driver.

I participated in senior ditch day on my sophomore, junior and senior years. I couldn't help it. You cannot watch a movie like Ferris Bueller's Day Off and not want to reenact it. I live just outside of Chicago for crying out loud. All we needed was a Ferrari.

I didn't start smoking until I was 20. I have been smoke free for two years now. Quiting IS one of great accomplishments.

I almost got in trouble by park rangers as a teenager one night. We had a huge bonfire at the beach. There was over a hundred from my high school. The southern sandy shores of Lake Michigan are awesome for bonfires. Park rangers came running out from all directions. We scattered like cockroaches. I guess I just ran faster than most. Due to fear, I bet I could have set some Olympic records for sprinting across sand that night.


I have never been in a hot air balloon. But want to.

June is not in outer space......... yet.

I believe, "You've got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything."

Till next time....... live. I do.

Your Cousin,
Steve

Still Fishing

I am way too loaded to write this, but i will try anyway. OK, I can't.

We just just got off the lake. Spent most of the day in a place they call "party cove". Way too much alchohol and swimming and fun. Little Steven is just getting used to this. I need some food badley. I could eat the north end of a south bound mule.

Think about it.

Talk at you all later.

Your Cousin,
Steve

Gone Fishin'

Unfortunately for the blogging world, my quick return is contended with a quick leave of absence. So, both of you will have to find something to do. Just kidding. I know that's you mom.

I am throwing my lovely wife, the kids, and myself into the truck and heading to central Missouri for a long weekend and much needed break. I have had enough of reality this past seven months, and I am high tailing it out of town. One of my freinds offered us to come down to his lake house in the Ozarks. How, in the name of everything holy, could I turn that down?

As crazy as it sounds, I will be in the middle of nowhere and still have internet. I just might check in. I just might check in ....... tipsey.

Is it masculine to say tipsey?

How about buzzed.

How about buzzed blogging? I like it! That could be fun!! It might be more funfor me than you.

I can see it now.....

Title : I love you man

Blog: I love you man. No..... i don't think you know what I mean...... I reeeaaally love you man. Remeber when you pulled me out of that burning building??? Me neither. But... I love you man. We've been like freinds like forever, man. I would take a bullet for you man...... Hey...... don't get shot or anything.... because I really don't want to take a bullet...... you know...... don't leave me man... (start crying for no reason) ..... I gotta go.....

I love you man.

(Yes, I have drunk dialed)

It used to be a common New Years thing for me. After the countdown, after champagne, after all the hugs and kisses, I would head outside and call everybody who wasn't at the party. I would start with Mom and Dad, then freinds, family, ex-girlfreinds, enemies, my mailman, my first grade teacher, as a matter of fact I wouldn't finish up until noon on New Years Day and I would be stone cold sober. And confused.

But enough of that, I headed out of town. Won't be back until next Tuesday.

Waahoooo! (With fist pump into the air) Then they freeze frame me mid-air, fist up high, and with a smile on my face. Just like they would do at the end of every 80's TV show.

Gosh, how times were simple when Ponch and John patrolled the highways..... (for all you young-ins, they were on CHiPs. The greatest cop show for a kid in the 80's.)

I was always John.




The highways were never so safe...

Hopefully my reverence for the highway patrol as a kid cuts me some slack on my travels this trip.

Take care all.

Cousin Steve

Diapers, Beer, Handstands, and a Skirt

I was going to do a blog on how to change a diaper while drinking a beer, doing a handstand, and wearing a skirt. But, I realized what a cool video that would be. I could be the next YouTube sensation. Millions of people would be impressed by my amazing talents. I would be rich.

Then FlyNavy pointed out that I was male, and real men don't wear skirts. I was going to change the skirt to an apron. Like the ones that guys grill in or chefs wear. But, I don't have one. As a matter of fact. I have never seen a guy grilling in one in real life, not in a restaurant, and not on TV.

MaeMae suggested I wear a kilt. It would be fitting to my Irish/Scottish heritage. I have a right to wear a kilt, I thought. And I would, if I had one. It seems as the only thing I actually had was one of my wife's skirts. What if she saw me?.... awkward!

Then it occurred to me, if I was doing all those things, how was I going to hold the camera? I don't have a tripod. I really think I do, it just got lost in the move 2 years ago. You can't lay the camera on the floor an catch something so "spectacular" as that. And that whole books on a table thing only works for family photos.

I really had to start looking at all the other variables...

1. The only diaper wearing child I have is my almost 2 year old that would only sit still for me if I hit him with an elephant tranquilizer.

2. I could actually spill the beer. Nuff said.

3. A handstand...... maybe if a crane had me by the ankles. (If you believe my body really looks like the pictures to the right, I have two words for you...... photo shop)

4. I am not buying an apron or kilt just to do a video. These are rough economic times people. I can only afford a thong. Kind of an awkward place to put "Kiss the Cook".

So really, I cannot deliver the "awesome feat" that I wanted to, at this present time. Maybe I will start a diaper, beer, handstand, apron training regiment soon. Don't be too surprised when that picture shows up on the blog.

A man can dream, can't he?

Your Cousin,

Steve

P.S. Didn't think I would actually do a blog about that stuff, did you. Well, me neither. Oh, always making me mother proud.